Earth Defense Force

From the day Cain slew Abel there was enmity between man.  Brother turned against brother, tribe against tribe, nation against nation, and so the cycle continued for over 6,000 years.

And then the aliens came.

United by a common threat, Cain put down the stone, flowers in his hair, and joined hands with Brother Abel.  In a space plane.  Together, they became E.D.F: Earth Defense Force.

E.D.F.: It'll take a planet of billions to hold us back.
E.D.F: It'll take a planet of billions to hold us back.

That’s the most interesting introduction I can give to a game that generally isn’tEarth Defense Force (sic) is unfortunately not a Missile Command clone.  It’s a paint-by-numbers shoot-’em-up (pbnshmup).

A smorgasbord of FAIL.
A smorgasbord of FAIL.

Press start.  Select a weapon: Vulcan, Explode, Laser, S. Laser, Atomic, Photon, Homing, or Grenade.  Why is there always a weapon called ‘Vulcan’?  There’s too many weapons, only two of them work well within the game – S. Laser and Homing – and here’s why: they’re the only weapons that can shoot behind.  Your spaceship is a square peg in a round black hole.  You can only face right, you can only shoot right.  Meanwhile your enemies can fly and shoot wherever the hell they freakin’ want.  Like these two annoying bastards here:

That's me dying in the bottom-left corner. Again. Argh.

I made it past these cheating bastards once.  I blew up the mid-level boss, only to be killed by some two-bit thug moments later.  And when I died, a continue screen appeared.  I pressed start and appeared at the beginning of the level again.  That pissed me off.  I replayed the first level about ten times and gave up.

Earth can save itself.

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