Snow White in Happily Ever After

Once upon a time there was a really evil witch who wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The way in which she sought to achieve this was by purchase of a magic mirror that was purported to determine who in the world was “the fairest of them all.” Now, the witch was not the most beautiful person in the world, but she was also pretty daft. So when the witch asked the mirror “who is the fairest of them all?” the mirror chose to interpret “fair” to mean “fair-skinned” rather than beautiful. You see, the mirror knew that the witch, who, as an evil woman, was naturally pale, was the lightest skinned person in the world. In this way, the mirror saved itself the problems that may arise when a sorcerer is angered. And this worked out pretty well, until one day, some silly woman pricked herself with a needle and, as was the custom, wished for something: a daughter who was really pale (but not evil). Now, while God doesn’t listen to prayers, he does sometimes take a fancy to wishes, especially wishes that are wished when there has been a sacrifice. God, on this occasion, was willing to fudge the books a bit (blood HAD been spilled, and he really wanted to make a pasty bitch). So he was like, “Cool, man. I’ll make a white girl.” And he did.

So, when the witch asked the mirror what the hey, the mirror HAD to say, “you’re actually not the fairest anymore, because there’s a little baby who has paler skin than you.” Obviously she was pissed off. So, she went to try to kill the little baby. First, she killed the baby’s dad. Then she killed the baby’s mom. Unfortunately for her, the baby’s mom was also a witch and she was able to cast the spell of “mother’s love” and make the baby utterly invincible. So, when the witch tried to kill the baby, the spell rebounded and smacked her in the face. But, since the witch had split her soul up into seven equal parts, she wasn’t killed, just angered.

So the witch came back later, and got someone else to try to kill her. But this guy was into little girls, so he didn’t kill her. When the witch found out, she tried to kill the now woman in several creative ways, the last, and most famous, being the apple trick. She filled half of an apple with poison and the other half with cotton candy and drew a smiley face on the cotton candy side because she liked cotton candy. Then she gave the non-cotton candy side to Snow White, who ate it, cause she’s dumb, and died.

But not quite. Cause six months later, after she had lain in a conveniently glass coffin for a while, a prince came and saw her. He really liked dead girls, so he had her brought to his castle, whereupon it was discovered she wasn’t dead, only choking on apple. So, CPR was initiated. After several minutes she had a pulse. Unfortunately she had been without oxygen for six months; there was significant brain damage. She lapsed into a coma. Four weeks later, she died.

Hidden bricks! Coins! Everything you expect in a platformer!

Snow White in Happily Ever After takes place inside Snow White’s head as she slowly suffocates to death in her glass coffin. In her imagination, she throws apples at bad insects and collects more fruit. And she has many, many lives.

And she lives happily ever after.

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