Geez, sorry! Nice greenroom you've got there, Bruce Lee.

I have atrocious eyesight and could never be a pilot. Luckily for me, I never had any desire to be a pilot and instead wanted to be a giant nerd with big stupid glasses, so that worked out okay. It’s why I’m writing a review of the SNES game Pilotwings instead of flying an actual plane. That’s the only reason.

Pilotwings for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System* is yet another Mode 7 offering, so it’s already got strike one from me (out of twelve possible strikes, like baseball x4). I’ve talked about it before, but I just plain don’t like Mode 7 graphics—they’re all blocky and make me miss Mode 6 graphics. I think that was the best mode of graphics. 6. I’m too young to appreciate Modes 1-5 and too old to understand that sexually confusing Mode Gaga. I almost made a P-P-Pilotwings joke here but decided against it. Kind of?

When you’re playing a flight simulator, what’s your favourite part? If you said “landing,” then you’re entirely unlike me but will probably enjoy Pilotwings in a way I did not: a little. Yeah, I don’t like Pilotwings. First I’m trying to land a plane, but—oh no!—I missed a floating green ball! Damn! If only I’d been able to slowly turn my ponderous plane in the proper direction and hit the Loc-Nar, then maybe that guy wouldn’t be so disappointed with me. But no, I miss the Loc-Nar. But never fear, I don’t miss the ground! Oh no, I hit that thing right on target. Except not, since I suck. I can’t even crash right. Dale Earnhardt would be so disgusted.

How about skydiving? It’s too bad I accidentally spun off course, and now I don’t even know where the course is! I’d get back to it, but I have zero clue what direction it’s in and all I can see in the game is brown. Just a giant patch of dirt silently awaiting my incoming failure. Here I come, failure! Headfirst! The same way I came into the world to begin with! WHOOOO *crunch* (that was the sound of the doctor eating a carrot—he is health-conscious because he is a doctor and recognizes the importance of proper nutrition even as he is busy delivering babies. He is a true American hero, unlike G.I. Joe, who was Hawaiian.)

In conclusion, this is the last sentence I’m going to write for this article, with the exception of any footnotes.

* Ohhh! Now it all makes sense!

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