The Glass City of Sparklecoat is in dire need of heroes. An attack by the Orcbearish Powersleuth of Mudbutt is threatening to tear this fair (albeit poorly-planned — really? A city of glass? Hope the Orcbears don’t show up with stones) city to the ground.
You, armed with nothing but a frame within a frame equalling maybe 20 kilopixels and one frame a second, have been called in to mastermind the counterattack. But, as you are but a simple dork with no weapons (as you are required, at almost all times, to hold a Super Nintendo controller in at least one hand), a crack team of specialists have been called in to help you.
Let’s meet them!
Todd is the leader of the group. Cursed with a brutally boring first name by parents (Thunder and Jeanne D’Arc Sinbad) who hoped that he would not become an adventurer later in his life. However, genetics, like baldness, homosexuality and skateboarding, reared its scientific head and forced him into the life of his parents. How, after 12 years of leading parties against enemies (a particular highlight being his delichification of Baron von Schtrucklefuck), he is the go-to man for rallying troops, murdering adults in the name of adventure, and long, determined looks into cameras that imply some sort of inner fire. And ladies, he’s single!
Granite is known for his stubbornness. Too stubborn to leave his parents house, they one day moved in his sleep. Too stubborn to pay the bills, he as evicted. Too stubborn to find a new house, he is homeless. Thanks to a plucky bit of thinking by Elyphissia (below), a hypnosis spell was cast convincing him he’s always bene in this party. Now he’s too stubborn to leave. He enjoys axing down orcbears and speaking in an affected Scottish accent (he’s really from New Mexico), and ladies, he’s single!
An orc born without a bear penis, he was cast out by his orcbear forebears. No pun intended. Seriously. His blood-soaked revenge plot has led him to join this party so he can kick the grizzly out of those who teased him growing up. Orcs have a shorter lifespan than humans, so while he is seven years old, that’s more like twelve in human years. And ladies, he’s single!
A tactical mastermind whose nickname is curious at best (the eyepatch is cosmetic, a nod to his favourite actor, Labyrinth’s David Bowie), Henning ensures that everyone’s in the right place at the right time like some sort of martial stage director. He is also an expert archer (which he flips up his glamour patch to do). He’s kind of an asshole, to be honets. And ladies, he’s single!
The token female, token mage, token elf, and token wearer-of-spiderweb-hats, Elyphissia (or Barf for short) is a mystickal wielder of the magjickale artez. Barf was cloistered for decades in a secret Elfin magic farm, not entirely like a puppy farm, until she escaped by making one million gold coins appear behind every guard’s ears, crushing them. And ladies, he’s single!
Mekka lekka hi mekka hiney ho.
I didn’t play this game for long. I have better things to do than play cheesy western RPGs where a ragtag bunch of heroes with mommy issues battle an evil wave of monstrous analogs for some foreign force that reminds me of vaguely racist imagery. If you’ll excuse me, Dragon Age: Origins won’t beat itself! And ladies, I’m taken.