When police we summoned to a small wooden shack just outside of town they weren’t sure what to expect, but were horrified at what they found: the twisted body of an Every Game Ever reviewer. Scott, known as Scott in his insipid reviews of old and mostly boring SNES games, was discovered slumped over a dirty laptop, clutching his head after having torn his own eyes out. On a nearby wall, scrawled in his own blood and vitreous fluid was the phrase “FROM BASE TO BALL I PLAY THEM ALL.”
Aside from a pile of irregular socks and what appeared to be an extensive collection of Cat Fancy magazines, there was little to be found inside the tiny shelter; here was a man who lived a sparse life. Perhaps there was a way to explain his death? What drove him to this final act of mutilation and suicide? For that matter, how did he write so neatly with no eyes? Such nice lettering! Maybe he plucked out one eye and that was enough juice to write with. There are plans to experiment using chimps to see if the results can be replicated.
Upon investigating the laptop, the police found very little information. Scott was running an install of Hanna Montana Linux and most of his data was screenshots of old video games and pictures he took of himself solving a Rubik’s cube in an “extreme” fashion. Police chose to omit the details of what this entailed.
Further investigation led the police to retrieve a rudimentary review for the game Tecmo Super Baseball. What follows is the fragmented text of that review:
baseball baseball baseball game
take me out take me out take meout me takeme out take me out take me out
BASES LOADED! tecmo super baseball is a baseball game it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s a baseball game BASES LOADED! take me out taaaaaaaaaaaaaake me out
take me out take me out take me out
AND CRACKING JACK I’M
Katie Casey was baseball mad,
Had the fever and had it bad.
Just to root for the home town crew,
On a Saturday her young beau
Called to see if she’d like to go
To see a show, but Miss Kate said “No,
I’ll tell you what you can do:”
baseball I DO BASEBALL
After reading some of the other reviews that Scott wrote, police decided it would be best if no funeral services were held and instead burned down the shack and then pushed the remnants into a nearby river before going out for beers.