JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST THE ENEMY THREAT—ENLIST NOW!!
As you may know, our great nation is currently at war against a highly advanced enemy force. Odds may seem against us, which is why WE NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE!!
Our military is currently recruiting and training a crackerjack team of skilled fighters. You’ll be using state-of-the-art military technology to help combat this threat to the lives of the men and women of our country.
Benefits of enlisting include:
- Hands-on experience with tools and techniques that will give you a head start in a variety of today’s top fields of work, such as truck driving, auto repair, vehicular armed combat, and accounting.
- Leadership skills that you can apply to everyday life, from making your way up the corporate ladder to become CEO at a Fortune 500 company, to winning debates on internet forums thanks to your mastery of the English languCAPS LOCK IS FOR WINNARS!@#1
- Shooting things.
- You know, with guns and explosives and stuff.
- Money for college.
You might be wondering, “How do the brilliant and handsome minds of this nation’s great military plan to take on this enemy threat?” Behold:
What you see before you is the latest in military technology: the SWIV-2. For years, one aspect of vehicular combat had eluded us: the ability to turn. Thanks to the efforts of our top scientists, as well as the countless number of men and women injured, maimed, or killed while testing prototype models, we now have a vehicle that can face any direction imaginable—from left, to right, to…umm…left of center but not completely left. Oh yeah, backwards and left, too…yeah, we’re on it! Driving this baby will instantly make you an irresistible sex magnet. Women will want to sleep with you. Men will want to sleep with you. I’ll want to sleep with you. I mean, if you’re ready and all. I know you just got out of a somewhat serious relationship, and there’s a lot of stuff going on in your life right now. It’s okay, because your nation’s military is a caring, considerate military that won’t pressure you into anything you’re not ready for. Well, except killing—you’re just gonna have to live with that one.
If the freedom and excitement of the SWIV-2 is not your deal, we also provide the earlier model SWIV-1. While not possessing the advanced motion technology of the SWIV-2 (such technology is still in testing for air-based vehicles), ground obstacles are of no problem for the SWIV-1.
Hurry now—we only have a couple openings available. I mean, we only need, like, what…one or two of these to take on an entire army of robot killing machines, right? So join the military of tomorrow…TODAY!!