Toys

THIS GAME ISN'T GOOD

Toys is one of the SNES games that almost made me quit playing games forever. Like many of the games I’ve had the displeasure of reviewing for EGE, it’s not egregiously bad enough to be entertaining, it just sucks in a bland, forgettable way—much like the movie that I barely remember watching, if in fact I did watch it. That I’m not certain about that says quite a bit about it.

You play as whatever Robin Williams’ character’s name was in the movie. I can’t even be bothered to look that up because of how tedious the subject matter is to me. You wander around a claustrophobic map looking like a dipshit butler while you wield entirely ineffectual weapons at the “killer toys” that have been unleashed wherever it is you’re supposed to be. Peanut cannon? Water balloons? Wow, fun. Good luck hitting anything with your “weapons.”

You can pick up “power-ups” (a term I’m using as loosely as is possible while still using a term) in the form of presents from a turnstile. A better present would be a real gun, which I would then use to shoot myself. In or out of this terrible game, I don’t care.

As far as I can tell it’s a much better strategy to idly wander around your dumb enemies than to try and engage them with any of your flaccid firepower. They don’t do a very good job seeking you out, so it’s a simple enough manner to avoid them like I’ve been avoiding writing this.

The game has music. It’s not the worst ever, but it’s certainly nothing I’d want to listen to ever again.

Uhh. What else can I say about this game? It looks shitty, it is shitty. Sorry if you worked on this game. Sorry about the choices you made in life. Here’s some proof you made bad ones.

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