THE RECIPE FOR FAILURE:
1) Make a great game like NBA Jam.
2) To capitalize on the excitement for March Madness, strip it of all of its NBA teams and players.
3) Insert shitty 16-bit logos of colleges.
4) Replace all players with nameless positions, like “POINT GUARD.”
5) Take out the awesome celebrity codes that allowed you to play as George “P-Funk” Clinton and Al Gore.
6) Put a code that lets you play as one of nine stacked “fraternity” teams. Everyone likes fraternities!
7) Make a logo of a creepy-looking basketball biting a basketball net.
8) Call it College Slam. Not College JAM; that might let people know that it’s based on the game they actually like.
9) Add some throwaway modes like “tournament time.” And “semi-finals.” Semi-finals? Really?
Watch the cash not roll in!
Apparently this game was a commercial flop, and who can be surprised? It’s a shame, too, because the NBA Jam engine is a lot of fun. But, yeah… there’s not point in playing this if you can play NBA Jam instead. Which you can. Because you’re using an emulator like a GODDAMN PIRATE, aren’t you? Do yourself a favour. Play NBA Jam TE. It’s the best version. The first was inferior, the latter (Showdown, if I remember correctly) was too gimmicky and stupid and difficult.
In short: Think of NBA Jam as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Picture it in your mind: extreme, hilarious, awesome, full of fire, oft green. Close your eyes for a few seconds, and visualize the turtles in your mind. Then open them.
Eyes open? Good. Now, this is what College Slam is.
I hope I just made your day a little bit sadder.
Milky compound chocolate?
That’s the worst part.
Milky compound chocolate is actually pretty decent, but the compounds where they make it are sad examples of the worst kinds of child slavery.
(The best kind of child slavery being Hollywood.)
My personal favourite example of Hollywood child slavery would have to be that island on ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’.