Hey, you there! YEAH, YOU!
What the hell are you doing playing with boring, old-fashioned jigsaw puzzles? DID YOU LOSE YOUR GODDAMN MIND!?
Step on up to some FAST-PACED, SPACE-AGE jigsaw puzzle action with Pieces, the latest in UNABATED ACTION HOTNESS for your new-fangled computer-game system machine console…box…
Putting together regular old cardboard jigsaw puzzles? THATS FOR GRANDMAS, CHUMP! This game will knock your dentures straight out of your mouth and replace them with PURE TITANIUM ADULT-SIZED CHOMPERS. Think Jaws from The Spy Who Loved Me, but with freakin’ DIAMONDS embedded in his grill. Everyone will know you’re business when they’re BLINDED BY YOUR DIAMOND TEETH.
So what have we done with this game, you might ask? SHUT UP, SALLY—I’LL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!!
What we’ve done is made puzzle-building a COMPETITIVE ACTION SPORT. Battle head-to-head putting together puzzles faster than the other person, and you win large sacks of SELF-SATISFACTION. You’ll simply be beaming with so much IRRESISTABLE SEXUAL MAGNETISM after you play this game, you’ll have to wear a bag over your head just to be able to walk into an Applebee’s without getting torn to shreds by CRAZED JIGSAW-PUZZLE GROUPIES.
Still not excited? ARE YOU DEAD FROM THE NECK UP!?
It’s NO RULES, NO LIMITS puzzling here, man! You’ve never put together a puzzle until you put together one here. Just the other day, I mean, these two guys were battling it out, and one of them simply flipped out and proceeded to strangle the other guy with red-rope licorice…AND HE STILL LOST! I swear it, a friend of a friend saw it happen, and I’ve been told he’s a trusting guy. NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH HERE, BUDDY.
WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING NOT PLAYING THIS GAME!? GET YOUR FINGER OUT YOUR NOSE AND PUT TOGETHER SOME DAMN PUZZLES!@#$1