I think I saw bits and pieces of this movie growing up. I think there were some boobs in it. Also a guy with armor made out of meat. That’s all I remember. Was Tom Cruise in it? Naw, I guess that was Interview With The Vampire. That was one of the first DVDs I ever watched, actually. Interview With The Vampire. It almost turned me off the medium entirely.
So I guess they made a video game about this Dracula movie. I don’t know what’s going on, really. You see the meat-armor guy in the intro. Then you start playing a platformer. It is like a medieval Moonwalker, with less Michael Jackson, but far more Andre The Giant looking dudes coming at you attempting to hurt you with their walking skills. Because, you know. They walk into you nad it hurts. But they are fine. The only way to hurt them is to put them with your knife (which has a very satisfying animation, to be fair) or, about 5 minutes later, a sword (which looks like the knife but longer). It seems like a tolerable Castlevania clone, but that’s assuming that:
a) you find Castlevania clones tolerable in the first place, and
b) it doesn’t maintain the same level of boredom as I experienced in the first 30-60 mins.
A tall order, indeed. Taller than that dude in the meat armor. Can you tell I am out of my element when it comes to things based on vampires or movies? I pay no attention to anything related to either (one exception: the film Let The Right One In. See that if you haven’t; a wonderful re-imagining of the vampire tale.) Who the fuck is Bram Stoker, anyway?