Street Racer

Street Racer is one of the better Mario Kart clones out there. A dubious honour, I know, but a rare one nonetheless. It also borrows quite liberally from Street Fighter, which is not a bad thing.  Shameless rip-off though it may be, Street Racer has the muster to pull it off. Catchy tunes, consistent art style, well-animated sprites, effective use of Mode 7 graphics, satisfying combat, and a good driving “feel”, coupled with everybody’s favourite – a classic 90s staple – a character select screen based on offensive racial stereotypes.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me take this opportunity to introduce our band of misfits, in order of appropriateness:

HUMAN RACE:

The Races of ‘Street Race-r’

SURF
Hot Blonde Californian Bitch

Complete with inflatable “funbags”, oh, and look, she has good “handling” too! Next!

'Eyyy...how YOU doin'?

RAPHAEL
Greasy Italian Sleaze With Possible Ties To Organised Crime

He punches like a Mafia man, that’s for sure. Leather jacket, slick hairdo, massive “doof doof” speakers in the back, oh, and look, he drives a Ferrari. Like every Italian has a Ferrari. [See also: Super Mario series]

BIFF
Neo-Nazi Skinhead From That Laurence Fishburn Movie

How many games have a thuggish bald bloke named “Biff”?  Probably every single beat-em-up ever.  In a strange twist of irony, skinheads were heaps into reggae, ska and rocksteady even though they liked to bash black people, the originators of said musics. Which brings us to…

Free the slaves!

SUZULU
Ugly Black Savage Fraught With Piercings, Wearing Animal Skins

He’s called “Su-Zulu“, get it?! It’s like ‘Suzuki’ the car brand mixed with the Zulus, those Africans with the spears and…nevermind. [See also: Resident Evil 5]


HELMUT
The Red Baron, Basically, With a Dash of Colonel Klink

How many games have a character named Helmut? And what does that name even mean? Is it like “Hell-mutt”, a hound from Hell, or is it just German for ‘helmet’? Either way it seems every second German is a triplane fighter pilot with a twirly moustache and a monocle. Does he wear the goggles over his monocle?

MWAHAHAHAHAHA! You will perish most honourably!

SUMO SAN
Obese Japanese Sumo Wrestler With Unparalleled Martial Skill

Sumo-san literally translates as “Mr. Sumo” in our language, which is English. If it’s one thing I’ve learned from videogames, it’s that Japan is populated entirely by samurai, ninja, and sumo. They’ve got all the time in the world for fighting, and sometimes, kart racing. If they wanted to make this really accurate, they’d have put a man in a suit on a train. [See also: Street Fighter]

ALLAH FORBID YOU SHOULD HAVE ANY DAUGHTERS!

HODJA
The Sultan From Aladdin, And Persian Rug Salesman

Arabs all wear mushroom hats, puffy pants, and fly around on magic carpets. It’s the truth!

And last, but not least, a personal affront to green people everywhere:

FRANK
HIS NAME IS FRANKENSTEIN YOU IDIOTS

Do game developers think they’re being clever every time they stitch together a Frankenstein knock-off and call him “Frank”? Get it, the name “Frank” is a normal guy’s name and it’s in the word “Frankenstein”?! These people are a waste of God’s breath. AND IT’S FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER YOU DUMMIES FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE GUY THAT MADE HIM

All this racism is making me angry, I mean hungry. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to throw another shrimp on the barbie.

Me in my backyard.
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