GP-1 Part II

…or, the continuing quests of Pedo Phil.

This is the awful kind of writing you are subjected to when a game stops me at an eight-letter character name. DO YOU HEAR ME, DEVELOPERS? PEDO PHIL WILL RETURN UNTIL YOU GIVE ME MORE LETTERS!
This is the awful kind of writing you are subjected to when a game stops me at an eight-letter character name. DO YOU HEAR ME, DEVELOPERS? PEDO PHIL WILL RETURN UNTIL YOU GIVE ME MORE LETTERS!

Some people thought Pedo Phil’s name was an unfortunate accident, or maybe a joke; for the most part, he wore a helmet. However, when it was removed, it was apparent to all around him: this man fiddled kiddies.

That Pedo Phil, though, he’s not all bad. He has some amazing, wondrous, exciting skills. For one, he’s a demon on two wheels. He is considered by all motorcycle/pedophilia cross-specialists to be the best all-around racer in the history of NAMBLA. More than that, though, he’s also considered the hungriest competitor in the history of the sport. I suppose when you wear your proclivities on your sleeve, as Pedo Phil does, you’ve got to be aggressive. You’ve got nothing to hide.

I’ve heard his head’s been out of the game recently, though. He’s distracted. Rumor has it he found himself a girlfriend. No, not a GIRL girlfriend… that’s illegal. The only way that Pedo Phil has gotten away with being so open about being Pedo Phil is because he never, ever touches kids. That’d cross the line. Naw, he just looks at them. From a distance. Never naked. Maybe drawings. But, yeah. He’s got a girlfriend who’s a grownup. And it’s tearing him apart, see, because it’s making him question his entire identity as Pedo Phil. I mean, she looks twelve. No way around that. She’s the most prepubescent postpubescent person I’ve ever seen, you know? But it turns out she’s a 19-year old college student who loves crotchrockets. He is in a great place. It’s still really sketchy, him being in his early 40s and her still living with her mother and father (two and three years Phil’s juniors, respectively (I realize the use of the word “junior” might be inappropriate here)). But… well, it’s legal. I heard he came twelfth in his last race.

I'm losing my edge. The kids are coming up from behind. AWESOME.
I'm losing my edge. The kids are coming up from behind. AWESOME.

He’s too old for a comeback now. He should probably retire. But, something tells me that we haven’t heard the last of Pedo Phil… mark my words.

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