Steel Talons

I am finding hard to review this game called Steel Talons. Not because it is bad. Actually it is pretty decent for a SNES flight SIM. You are a helicopter pilot and you have to shoot down targets. We will ignore the fact that the targets seem extremely random and placed just about anywhere. Overall the controls are solid and you can pilot your helicopter fairly easily with the dpad and shoulder buttons and X and Y buttons. Yes, the complex controls of a helicopter take up just 80% of your game pad.

The reason I am finding it hard to review this game is shown clearly in this screenshot here:

Warning: Loss of fuel may result in death

WHEN YOU GOT SHOT YOU LOSE FUEL! No physical damage occurs at all. You simply slowly run out of fuel. Luckily when you run out of fuel you get an instant refuel the indicated number of times. How fucking insane is that? That Is the equivalent of me getting sucker punched in the face and me losing fatty cells. Or maybe food just comes out. Like a cheeseburger.

But obviously this world isn’t the same as mine because it is super small. I mean really small. If you leave the area shown in the map you just reappear on the other side of the world. This means this fuel for health planet is only about four square kilometers. For that to be possible with all the seemingly normal gravity the density of the planet would be astronomical. Even a simple layer of rock dust covering you would be enough to crush your spine. Luckily the crushed spine would only result in you spitting out a taco.

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Sports Illustrated Championship

It’s exciting to get to play a game that was spun off into such a successful long running TV show. Who knew a game based solely on watching sports and then writing up news stories for Sports Illustrated magazine could be so much fun. CBS did! That’s who!

In the game you play Ray Romano…..I mean Ray Barone, a successful sports writer for sports illustrated. The object of the game is to watch a sporting event of your choice. With endless options like football and baseball it is really hard to choose at times. I decided it was best to try both options to keep this a fair and honest review.

Ray is a lucky man. His job is to watch sports all day long AND he gets some of the best seats in the house. In the baseball version you actually get to stand where the first base coach does. Being this close to the action you won’t miss any details for your article. I swear Pierre McGuire must have played this game to get his idea to sit between the benches.  The challenge during the sporting events is to stay awake because all games are played in real time. Watching fake athletes the like of R. Alvomar and D. Bright takes dedication and stamina. If you miss any key plays in your write up after the game then you lose serious points. So you are best to get a beer and a comfy chair and enjoy the show.  A short game can last as little as three hours.

Ray Barone says You're OUT!

Once the game is over you have the fortunate ability to work from home. OR SO YOU THOUGHT! Little did you know but your parents live just across the street! And your Sasquatch of a brother is a cop and drops by all the time. You need to somehow balance your family life such as pleasing your wife sexually and raising twins all the while still making your deadline. Once again action takes place in real time so while you may have a week to complete your article most of your time will be taken up by nagging women and Neanderthal brothers.

Just before every deadline you must complete a series of challenges as mentioned but at the end you must complete the boss battle. Hints to who the boss will be are normally hidden around your house. For example once I noticed birth control pills on the bed side table. A few days after the pills ran out for the month I had to engage my wife is hand to hand combat before darting off to the office to hand in my article.

When you finally do hand in your article for the next issue of Sports illustrated you get a letter grade to tell you how you did. I never did very well because I spent most of my time failing to please my wife which meant I had to constantly play the “masturbate in the shower” mini game.

I highly recommend this game to anyone whose life sucks worse than the one I just described.

Head On Soccer

Head On Soccer did not work as advertised. It seemed to have one simple instruction which I followed. Head On, apply directly to forehead.

Seems simple enough
Seems simple enough

Let me tell you a hard piece of plastic pressed firmly against my forehead does not help alleviate my headache symptoms. In fact it just made it worse. I decided to do some research and went straight to the most reliable source: Wikipedia. According to them, “There were no peer reviewed studies showing that the original HeadOn formula worked and the scientific consensus is that homeopathic preparations do not help beyond the placebo effect.” Well I could have told you that no SNES cartridge has the power to do anything but act as a placebo.

It’s too bad too cause I loved their other products:

  • ActivOn – described on the company’s website as a topical analgesic for arthritis-like joint pains, in multiple formulations. Additionally, the product originally named FirstOn, a topical anti-itch product, is now called ActivOn Maximum Strength Anti-Itch.
  • ComeOut – Powerful laxative. Apply directly to anus.
  • VirtualOn – An old arcade game that has since been re-released on Xbox live. Apply controller costs directly to credit card.
  • HardOn – A new male enhancement. Apply directly to flaccid useless cocks.
  • EnergON – Energy source. Apply directly to STICK IT IN MY CHEST!

On a side note when I put the cartridge in my SNES a soccer game came up. It was okay I guess.

It looks something like this
It looks something like this

Great Waldo Search

I know I’m not the only person with fond memories of the Where’s Waldo books. You could spend an hour just on one page of a book trying to find that striped bastard. This leaves me with high hopes that Waldo’s camouflage will be much better than that of, say,  Snake in Metal Gear Solid 3. YOUR ALLIGATOR HAT FOOLS NO ONE! Who leaves one on an island in the marsh anyway? So let’s get started.

Waldo01

Oh good. The intro screen gives us several pictures to remind us what our beloved friend looks like. Surely this will come in handy on our first level. I’m going to be so rusty at this that it will probably take me some time to remember all of Waldo’s tricks.

Waldo02

Oh, this first level must be a tutorial. They put him in an obvious spot, so that we could spend most of our time practicing our magnifying glass aim. This also gives us extra time to figure out which of the SNES controller’s many buttons is the one that finds him. Clever thinking. Now that this tutorial level is complete, I am ready to move on to the good stuff.  Next level please.

Waldo03

Oh, sorry, Waldo – I must have caught you still trying to find a hiding spot! I can see by your pose that you’re searching for a place to hide. I would’ve recommended perhaps hiding behind something. Maybe even something with colours similar to yours.  But I can see you’re as rusty at this as I am! I’ll wait a little longer before starting up the next level, to give you plenty of time to hide.

Waldo04

Alright, what the fuck, Waldo? YOU ARE RUINING THIS FOR US! Was I secretly a waterhead as a child or is finding you a lot easier then I remember?  I mean, you’re standing in the fucking open in the middle of the screen! Who was this game meant for? The colour blind? Should we have gotten Travis to review this game so we could unlock its true potential with his inferior eyes? Can only the handicapped enjoy this game? Well, he’s not around to offer his help now; I guess he’s waiting to cross the street at a green light.

Incidentally, Travis fills my quota for one handicapped friend. I also have one gay friend, one black friend and one female friend. They are my prejudice trump cards. But I must press on.

Waldo05

I have to give Waldo a little bit of credit here; he tried to hide using the fat man as cover. However, it generally helps to hide behind the fat man instead of in front of him. This is at least more creative than any of his past attempts.

And that is the entire game. Four levels of bullshit pushed into a cartridge and sold to you, the consumer, for the price of eight Where’s Waldo books.

Super Goal!

I will start by saying that this game is not terrible. It’s actually half decent once you get into it, but I think its main fault is that it tries too hard and comes up a little short. I say this because you can tell they were going for a really authentic style of soccer that would have you impressed by its realism.  The problem is “realism” and “16-bit graphics” just don’t really go well together. Being able to choose your formation at the start of the game left me thinking the game play would be deep and engaging. I was totally fooled.

Canada wearing Pink and blue watches as Germany celebrates by double fisting cocks
Canada wearing Pink and blue watches as Germany celebrates by double fisting cocks

Picking your team’s formation at the start of the game is a mere formality. Once the ball is in play, it looks like every soccer game you played between the ages of 2 and 8. Sure, you all have nice matching uniforms, a coach yelling orders from the sidelines, and parents there to cheer you on. But eventually you realize this means very little. Positions are soon forgotten, and you have an angry mob chasing a ball around a field just giving it one good boot in any direction they can. Goals are scored completely by accident, and the goalie has no chance of stopping it because he is 1/16th the size of the goal he is protecting. He is 8 years old and has stubby arms and if he is lucky can jump slightly more than a foot in any given direction.

The AI will also have players just standing around.  He was like that stereotypical kid who isn’t into sports and is instead in the corner, doing flower arrangements. He will certainly grow up to like other men, but no one knows this yet because our childlike innocence prevents us from even imagining it. Unless it was just me at the age of 8, unable to fathom him grown up to have his ass penetrated repeatedly while simultaneously being given the reach-around of a lifetime.

And that is what Super Goal! is like.

Clay Fighter: Tournament Edition

I love 2-D fighters and always have. I have spent most of my time being sad that there is very little in the way of 2-D fighters left in North America. It seems like you have to travel to Asia to find the arcades still full of gamers playing the newest and latest 2-D fighters. North America developed this plague of terrible spammy 3-D fighters like Dead or Alive and SoulCalibur (Yes, spelling it all one word makes your game hardcore). Having played Clay Fighter: Tournament Edition I now understand why development just ceased.

Barry Bonds faces off againts Igy Pop with AIDS
Barry Bonds faces off againts Igy Pop with AIDS

Before I even get into the gameplay let us have a look at the title. Tournament Edition. This seems very optimist to think that people will be lining up to see who will lead their pile of Clay to victory. Now the reason this seems very optimist is because the game play is rather lacking. Rounds consist of battles that have come straight out of Team America. I did not have the luxury of playing against a real opponent so I was pitted against the over powered AI. How this AI had been limited to just an SNES game is mind boggling. Not only do I think this AI could pass the Turing Test I think it has secretly found its way into Hawlkings wheelchair and is behind all of his great ideas. The battles seem almost unfair unless of course you attack. The simple act of attacking causes the AI to lock up and drop everything it is doing and block. If you attack repeatedly with a super you can chip away at its life while he unleashes his fury of blocking everything with no attempt at escape.

For a sequel you would think they could have made the game at least moderate playable. As it stands this game unplayable and anyone who has found memorize of this game should probably ask their mothers how much they had to drink in the first 9 months of your life.