Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters

When I was a boy, my father would accompany me on long walks through the marshlands surrounding the city.

“Boy,” he would gesture, “a great man belongs to the world, but also moves through it, like a ghost through a velvet curtain.” And then he would pick up a small turtle to emphasize his point.

“You see,” He would mutter, like a man who, after drinking himself to sleep, leans over to his mistress for one last kiss goodnight, “a turtle, when removed from his natural environment, struggles a bunch. He fears me, and wishes I were dead. But we shan’t hurt him.”

“We shant?” A Wide-eyed six year old, my only thought of the welfare of the turtle.

“We shant”

And he would move the turtle to a choice location — usually near some female turtle with whom he could start a family — and then mosey out of the town like the last cowboy to grace these parts.

But that turtle, ungrateful sod that he is, feels he is entitled to some other swatch of land, some other mate for to bang. And he says, “Mrraaaaahhhhhhhh!” And he scuttles off to another pasture, fully unaware that it was human judgment that brought him thus far, and, as he circumvents it, he as good as flips God a mighty bird meanwhilst shunning all things sacred.

So, turtles can be little shits. Teenage? More so.

I see you have two tyrannosaurs chained to your amps. You, sir, know the meaning of rock.

This game’s easy enough to describe. The Teenage Turtles we all know and love fight each other, their friends, their enemies, and even a few surprises along the way. Pretty basic stuff, really. You kick, you punch. If you’re like me, you jump up and kick down. I have before described this tactic as being the only one necessary to win any fighting game. But I fear that I soon will have to retire the marvel of ingenuity in favour of something more creative.

I was beaten, you see, by a flying squirrel. A flying squirrel? Beat a turtle? If I didn’t know better, I’d say this game was mammalian-biased!

But be it turtles or foxes, this game ain’t nothing too bad, in my books at least. Those of us who are looking for a deep fighter certainly won’t find it here. But for those who just want to watch muscular, humanoid turtles make humourless wretches out of one another, and perhaps play some small part in that display, go no further! This is likely as close are you will get to colliding with true happiness.

For, if there’s anything in this world that is true, it is happiness.

I, for one, never looked back.


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