Hook

Hookeriffic!
Hookeriffic!

“Hey Tom, do anything interesting on the weekend?”

“No, not really—watched the game of course: it sucked. You get up to something exciting, Ron?”

“Well, I went to the bea—”

“GUYS!”

“I went to the beach and there wa—”

“GUYS! GUYS!”

“Sigh…hi, Peter.”

“GUYS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU DID ON THE WEEKEND, HUH YOU GUYS?”

“Yeah Peter, Ron was just telling me about his trip to the bea—”

“GUYS. YOU WILL NEEEEEVER BELIEVE WHAT *I* DID THIS WEEKEND!”

“…”

“GUYS YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE IT!”

“…yeah, probably n—”

“OK SO I WAS PUTTING MY KIDS TO BED OK?”

“Wow, that’s pretty great, way to parent or something, Pete. Anyway, as I was sa—”

“AFTER I PUT THEM TO BED I WAS STANDING ON THE BALCONY AND THEN TINKERBELL THE FAIRY CAME OVER TO ME AND SA—”

“Whoa. Whoa, Peter. Too much information. I really, REALLY don’t want to know about this.”

“NO SHE’S REALLY A FAIRY SHE’S A FEW INCHES TALL AND SHE THREW HER MAGIC DUST ON ME AND THEN I FLEW BACK TO NEVER LAND.”

“Michael Jackson is dead, Peter. Is this about Michael Jackson being dead?”

“NO! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE KING OF POP IT HAS TO DO WITH ME BEING THE PAN!!!”

“Hey Ron, you want to go and get Phil down at the security desk? I bet he wants to hear Peter’s story. Phil loves pans and shit.”

“NOT THAT KIND OF PAN, TOM DON’T BE SILLY! I AM TALKING ABOUT PETER PAN.”

“Yyyeaaaahhhh…”

“SO ANYWAYS TINK BRINGS ME BACK TO NEVER LAND BUT THE LOST BOYS WON’T BELIEVE THAT I’M THE PAN ON ACCOUNT OF HOW OLD AND FAT I AM NOW AND THAT I WEAR VESTS.”

“I don’t believe it!”

“YEAH I KNOW. ANYHOW THE LOST BOYS SAY THAT SINCE I’M SO OUT OF SHAPE THAT I’M PROBABLY NOT THE PAN AND THAT I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DEFEAT HOOK AND GET MY KIDS BACK!”

“Hold on Peter, two questions: 1) Who exactly are the ‘Lost Boys’ and 2) Hook? Your kids? Did something happen?”

“YYYYYESSSSSSS THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING JUST LISTEN. THE LOST BOYS ARE THESE PRETEEN KIDS WHO ALL HANG OUT IN THE FOREST AND DON’T FOLLOW ANY RULES AND HOOK IS A PIRATE CAPTAIN WHO’S MISSING A HAND AND HE KIDNAPPED MY KIDS AND I HAD TO GO AND FIGHT HIM!”

“Holy. Shit.”

“SO ANYWAYS I CAN KIND OF FLY BUT NOT REALLY AND I MOVE REALLY SLOWLY AND HIT SOME OF THE KIDS WITH A SWORD SO THEY STOP RELEASING BEES AT ME AND THEN I SWAM WITH THESE KILLER FISH WHO COULD ONLY MOVE IN STRAIGHT LINES AND TH—”

“Excuse me, Mr. Banning?”

“HEY PHIL I WAS JUST TELLING TOM AND RON ABOUT HOW I FLEW TO A MAGICAL FAIRY REALM FULL OF ORPHANED BOYS TO FIGHT A PIRATE.”

“Mr. Banning, I think you should come with me for a while. Do you want some water? You look pretty thirsty. Why don’t you just have a seat in here with me and tell me all about it?”

“SURE PHIL! HEY DID YOU KNOW THAT RUFFIO HAD MY SWORD? I MEAN WHAT’S HE DOING WITH IT, YOU KNOW?”

“Of course, Mr. Banning. Of course. Outrageous. Just come with me in here.”

“Man, that guy has lost his shit, Ron.”

“Uh…yeah.”

“So you were telling me about the beach?”

“Oh! Oh yeah, I went to the beach and there were these California Games…”

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