Bubsy II

Someone call the ASPCA. NOW.
Someone call the ASPCA. NOW.

I hate Bubsy so much that if I saw someone dressed as him, I would put them in the hospital. I wouldn’t even care who they really were – they’d be headed to the emergency room. If it was someone I couldn’t beat up physically, I would throw bricks at them or perhaps try to run them over with a stolen car covered in broken glass and wasps. If they were really strong and dangerous, I would wage a months-long psychological war against them that involved calling them at all hours of the night pretending to be childhood bullies, poisoning their food with ground box jellyfish and injuring their loved ones with harsh letters criticizing their choices in life and implying that they were Scientologists. I wouldn’t stop until I took my toll of their blood. I might contemplate employing a suicide bomber just to take them out: I hate Bubsy that much – I would spend money.

It’s not about the game, it’s about the character. Bubsy inspires in me a hatred so vitrolic and total that my face is twisted in an angry grimace as I write this, and my fingers ache from hitting the keyboard hard, so hard. I want to lobotomize the part of the world’s brain that remembers Bubsy and the people that created him.

Did you ever have a completely unfunny friend who was totally unaware that their jokes were terrible and people were only laughing at them because of how terrible they were? Bubsy was created by a room full of these people. If only the room had slowly filled with sarin gas as they created the game, perhaps the world would have been spared the indignity that is the Bubsy franchise. Such was not to be. Somehow these people managed to not only create this abomination, but convince distributors that it was worth foisting onto an unsuspecting public. MORE THAN ONCE.

To be honest, I don’t really have that much to say about the mechanics of the game since I can’t stand playing it. I can only play in incredibly short bursts before I close the game down and walk away swearing. I want to travel to Cool World and become a toon so I can kill Bubsy again and again.




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