Final Fight

SIMONS are getting UPPERCUTTED! What's the past-tense of uppercut? Uppercat?
SIMONS are getting UPPERCUTTED! What's the past-tense of uppercut? Uppercat?

HAGGAR: CODY! MAD GEAR HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS OF SAN FRANCISCO! WE MUST SAVE HER!

CODY: San Francisco?! It’s called Metro City, dummy! Also, I thought you didn’t want me to be with her!

HAGGAR: IT STILL GRINDS MY GEARS THAT YOU’RE PLAYING “HIDE THE PENIS” WITH MY BABY GIRL BUT REGARDLESS! I CAN’T DO THIS ON MY OWN! I AM SLOW AND STRONG BUT I NEED SOMEONE MORE BALANCED! IF ONLY THERE WERE ALSO SOMEONE WHO WERE REALLY FAST WE’D BE PERFECT!

CODY: Should I call Guy?

HAGGAR: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT UNTIL FINAL FIGHT GUY! LET’S HIT THE STREETS!

LEVEL 1: THE SLUMS

CODY: Yeah! Fuck you punks! You make these slums suck!

HAGGAR: ACTUALLY THATS PARTLY MY FAULT AS I AM THE MAYOR OF THIS CITY AND I HAVE BEEN MORE BUSY SENDING MONEY TO THE POLICE FORCE AND CORPORATIONS TO MURDER POOR PEOPLE AND HOOK THEM ON CRACK THAN I AM TO ACTUALLY FIXING SHIT IN THESE HOODS! I AM BASICALLY ED KOCH! EXCEPT I TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL BY GOING TO THE STREETS AND BEATING THE DESPERATE PEOPLE WHO JOIN GANGS TO MAKE IT BY ON THE HARD STREEEEEEETS!

CODY: I’m going to punch Damnd in his giant face!

HAGGAR: I LOVE THIS GLASSEEEEEESSSS!!!!

CODY: I wish he would drop them!

LEVEL 2: THE SUBWAY

CODY: Wait this is more like New York and Not SF!

HAGGAR: IT’S METROOOO CITTYYYYY!!!!

CODY: What train are we on?

HAGGAR: THE G-TRAIN! G FOR GANGSTERS! BWA HAHA HA HA HA!!!!

CODY: Actually I think we’re on the 2 to the Bronx!

HAGGAR: OH MAN THAT’S A BAD LINE! WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE ASAP BEFORE WE GET MUUUUUUGGGGGED!

CODY: Or we can punch all the mugger’s faces. Hey, a knife! Can I stab someone with this, Mayor?

HAGGAR: SIR YOU ARE ABOVE THE LAW RIGHT NOOOOOOWWWWWWW! GOUGE AWAY!

CODY: Stay all day!

CODY + HAGGAR: IF YOU WANT TO! LA LA! LA LA! LA LA LA LA!

CODY: Sleepin’ on my belly! You break my arms! You spoon my ey–

HAGGAR: JOKE’S OLD STOP NOWWWWWW!!!!

LEVEL 3: WEST SIDE

CODY: Wait, so, west side… is this an LA thing now?

HAGGAR: METRO CITY IS THE WORST OF ALL CITIES COMBINED!

CODY: Word. Hey remember how we fought a Japanese guy in a wrestling ring in the Subway? Why didn’t we talk about that?

HAGGAR: TOO LATE NOW! BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT A GUY NAMED “SODOM” IN A WRESTLING RING IS HILARIOUS!

CODY: Are you implying that Pro Wrestling is gay?

HAGGAR: YOU CAN SEE ALL OF THE GUYS’S JUNK(S) AND THEY’RE HUGGING EACH UNDER IN SPANDEX UNDEERRWWEEAAAARRRR!!!!! WHATS FUNNY IS THAT I AM MAKING FUN OF GAYNESS SHORTLY AFTER COMPARING MYSELF TO ED KOOOOOOOCCCHHHHH!!!!!

CODY: Maybe we should actually talk about level 3 though!

HAGGAR: GOOOOD POOOOIIINNNTTT!!!!

LEVEL 4: INDUSTRIAL AREA

HAGGAR: TOOOOOO LAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!

LEVEL 5: BAY AREA

CODY: Here we go! The Bay Area! Classic! This is why you made that San Francisco reference at the beginning! I was starting to get confused!

HAGGAR: MORE LIKE THE YAY AREA, AM I RIGHT? WANT SOME YAYO? SOME COCAINE? I HAVE A LOT! LOOK! IT’S TRAPPED IN MY MUSTACHE! HA HA HA! IT’S LIKE A MILK MUSTACHE BUT MADE OF GACK!

CODY: Whoa this dude is neon red! And named Abigail!

HAGGAR: HAHA WHAT A PUSSY! PUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CODY: Good punch!

LEVEL 6: UPTOWN

CODY: Uptown like Chicago?

HAGGAR: WHO CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARES!!!!!!!!!!!

CODY: Yeah! Let’s find your daughter!

HAGGAR: THERE SHE IS! WE HAVE TO BEAT UP A CRIPPLE TO GET HER THOUGH!

CODY: Awesome! Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccckkkkkkkk!!!!!

HAGGAR: GOOD KICK! HE FELL OUT THE WINDOW!!! HAHAHAHA AT LEAST HE CAN’T GET CRIPPLED!

CODY: Hey Jessica! My girlfriend! We should do it later!

JESSICA: Nah my front regions are a little tired from being, you know, kidnapped by an insane anarchist punk gang! You know how it is!

HAGGAR: THEY RAPED YOU?!?!?

JESSICA: More like I had a really sexy version of Stockholm Syndrome! It’s some Patty Hearst-type shit! Plus I like douchebags OBVIOUSLY!

CODY: Good point!

JESSICA + HAGGAR + CODY: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

THE END

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2 thoughts on “Final Fight

  1. I have a lot of praise for this article that I could write, but instead I will keep it short and say this:

    THE WAY YOU MADE HAGGAR TALK IS BASICALLY PERFECT AND KEPT MAKING ME LAUGH SO HARD MY SUNGLASSES FELL OFF AND I WAS ALMOST NO LONGER A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT

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