Clayfighter

clayLike every book, movie and professional wrestler, every video game needs a gimmick to hook people in order to sell copies.  Dawn of the Dead has zombies, Pride and Prejudice has zombies and The Undertaker IS a zombie. This game’s claim to fame is that it has … well … the fighters are all made of clay. Alright, I’ll bite. Not every gimmick can be a winner. The biggest problem with Clayfighters is that even though it has such an outlandish premise that peaks your curiousity, it just can’t back it up with any sort of decent gameplay.

Even though I loved playing this game as a kid, as an adult it just falls short. There’s absolutely nothing redeeming about this piece of crap. A moveset limited to pretty much just strikes,impossible combo combinations,  an AI that will beat you before you ever get a chance to land any sort of offense and choppy animation are just three of the many problems that plague this game.  One fight against the Elvis impersonator destroying me all the while screaming “Watch the hair” despite being on the opposite side of the screen was enough for me to throw in the towel here. It’s funny because I can actually remember loving this game growing up but the problem with Nostalgia, is that just like your ex girlfriend, it’s never as good as the first time.

undertaker
He got it right. This game didn't.
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Beauty and The Beast

I bought Beauty and the Beast for my girlfriend about 3 years ago. I thought I was being a great boyfriend and as result would get my wiener tickled a bit.

Well it turns out that this game is frustration-clinic and not at all the reward-worthy, handjob motivator I had hoped. In addition to being the most difficult game I’ve ever played, it makes no sense at all when compared to the movie (which it should be seeing as it’s a fucking “adaptation”).

beauty

The basic premise is that you’re the Beast and you’re fucking furious out of your mind and somehow your castle has been overrun by a bunch of lousy motherfuckers trying to fuck with your life. Despite the fact that you’re a giant monster your “attacks” are limited to temper tantrums. You can a) stomp your feet or b) roar your furry dick off. You would figure that at some point he’d figure out that he was a fucking beast and start slicing dudes’ faces right the fuck off. Instead, he acts like a petulant child, bummed about a rash he got from sitting in his own poopy.

This game is your basic platformer: start at Point A travel a straight line (basically), get to Point B, collecting power-ups on the way. I know that doesn’t sound too too horrible but boring gameplay coupled with impossible gameplay is enough to make me flip my shit and murder my television and then myself in an incensed murder/suicide pact. It took me dozens of attempts to pass the first level. I’ll be the first to own up to the fact that I’m not the greatest gamer that has ever existed, but I can hold my own. In fact I’m the same way about making hump. I may take a couple of wrong turns and you’ll most certainly end up bruised and livid but I’ll get you there. I’m nothing if not importunate. With that in mind, I’m not completely deluded; I can accept my own shortcomings as a gamer and a plower of vagina, but I know where my own limitations end and the game’s relentless difficulty begin (or in the case of love-making, where her scabs prevent my oily burrito from penetrating).

I don’t think this game is difficult out of design, I think it’s solely out of laziness (i.e. why I like being on the bottom when playing hide my clammy pickle). This game makes me want to rip out my pubes by the fistful (I’m like a Viking in the undershorts region) and then cleave my dick with whatever I have lying around the house.


Scotty.

Beethoven’s 2nd

beethovenBeethoven’s 2nd is also Beethoven’s 1st on the SNES and I’m just glad that it was also Beethoven’s last. To give you some idea as to how bad this game is, I’ll just let you know that this game was developed by Hi-Tech Expressions. The same Hi-Tech Expressions that brought you Barbie’s Supermodel.

Moving onto the game now, you play as Beethoven the misbehaving St Bernard and you’ve got to find your puppies return them to your girlfriend who looks like you with lighter hair, before someone else finds them and turns them into a fur coat. If you’ve seen the movie then you know what to expect. Considering the movie was a cinematic masterpiece, you know that this can only be a good thing. Sorry to burst your bubble, Fanny Mae but it’s the ONLY good thing about this game.

The graphics are extremely cartoony and while, generally, I’m a fan of humongous sprites on my screen, it doesn’t work when the character takes up half the screen length-wise. So you (as Beethoven of course) walk and you walk and you walk, all the while you’re constantly being surprised by tornado kittens or skateboarding kids who’ve watched SLC Punk too many times to realize that blue hair was never cool. You’re being chased by dog catchers (with shotguns), jumping over fences and light posts all so you can save the little puppies your lady friend Misty will probably kill and eat later.

It’s a given. I’m not the best gamer or even a particularly good one. I cheat. A LOT. This is one of those games where I really felt like I needed my Game Genie to grant me three wishes (infinite time, energy, lives) because this game is fucking hard. Like I said earlier, the constant surprises of people jumping out at you and attacking you will take it’s toll on your energy and eventually your number of lives. Let’s not forget fucking impaling yourself on those fences or plummeting to your doom every 5 minutes.

I’m honest when I say that I don’t remember much from Beethoven, Beethoven’s 2nd or the later Beethoven Goes to Camp but I do remember not hating them with this much passion. Nostalgia’s overrated, I guess. Around “Every Game’, we do not have a star system or really any sort of rating system at all. We simply do not believe in that sort of thing here … buuuuuuuttt if you were curious and wanted to know what this game scored on the personal Crap-O-Meter, this game scored an “I would rather eat someone else’s vomit.”

BattleBlaze

battleblazeImagine a peaceful land. A land undisturbed by evil, uncorrupted by anger, jealousy, and hatred.

Imagine a land where men can gather and compare dicks over a pint of mead. This is the fabled land of Virg.

A land so pure that having the milky bounty of your junk wrestled out by someone’s mighty calloused fists is totally cool in the middle of a bar because jerking some dude’s hairy boner off in public is
commonplace. So your hands get a little sticky. No big deal, they have packs of wild dogs roaming around the bar. They’ll take that mess of your hands in a quick second.

Virg is a place where dudes can put whatever they want in each others’ dick holes. And no one every bleeds from fucking too hard. And you never get poop on your wiener. Or if you do you don’t care. Once again: wild dogs. Virg is a family vacation hotspot.

And then in the middle of slapping some dude’s wang around with your mouth this fucking guy, the Dark Lord, decides he’s going to murder your dad because the Cosby Show is a rerun and he’s fucking bored. So one minute your dad’s got some dude’s meaty hog halfway to his lungs and the next he’s a pile of blood pulp and flesh ribbons. And you’re pissed. So you go on a fucking quest to kill this dude.

You’re fucking mashing the same button over and over because the people at American Sammy don’t give a fuck enough to help you on your journey of justifiable vengeance. You can’t do shit. You flail around with your fucking sword like an epileptic at a disco. Oh shit, you’re fighting this fucking dog man named Schnauzer (like the dog). So you
beat his dick off and then you continue on your way.

Ok you get bored and really want to head back to the bar. Fuck. This sucks. Your dad was kind of a prick anyway right? I mean he wouldn’t let you watch Robocop because there was too much blood so you had to finish your pizza at the kitchen table and not in the living room. And then you came home from Karate class and he made you watch an episode
of My Little Pony with your sister. It was the one where this pop singer helps his manager steal people’s souls. Fuck it. You return to the bar to suck everyone’s sweaty dick.

5 stars.

– Scotty

Bass Masters Classic: Pro Edition

bass
We havin' fun yet?

Facts about me.

1) I hate fish.
2) I hate the way fish look.
3) I hate the way fish taste.
4) I hate fishing.
5) I hates games about fishing.
6) I would rather munch on my grandmother’s mangy decrepit box than play this game again.

I’ll be honest here. I had this game growing up, not that I ever played it but I can damn sure remember my dad playing. So I called Daddy up and asked him what he remembered about the game (so that I can get out of actually playing this) and while he didn’t remember much, he did remember the feeling that he had wasted a couple bucks buying it. Not a good start.

I played this game for 10 minutes. 10 minutes of boring. Here’s how things go for me. I turn the game on, I’m unimpressed by it’s graphics. The music is annoying, I hit the mute button on my laptop. I select a fisherman, I get out onto the water. Woopity do.

I cast my rod in, get it a little wet, pull out, go home. Just another day, I guess.

Don’t play this game.

Barbie Supermodel

barbieAs a child I used to steal my sister’s Barbies and vigorously rub my finger between their boobs, re-enacting what I affectionately called a “Spanish Blowjob”. I was disappointed there was no Spanish Blowjob feature in this game.

This game is basically running around trying to get ready to see as many dicks as humanly possible. This is like Leisure Suit Larry for 8 year olds. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for showing girls a room full of cocks but I think it should be behind the candy store /bus depot against their will instead of in a video game. I’m pretty old fashioned (and acquitted of all charges!).

In all seriousness though, this game is fucking bullshit. You basically get ready for a night out with some date rapist and have to practice dance moves for photo shoots that some how tie into each and every level.

Nothing in this game makes sense. It teaches girls that in order to get laid (and as a result amass self-worth) you need to ski or roller-skate and then pose for magazine covers and bullshit. The simple truth is that all of those things are fucking worthless if you can’t cook.

Ladies, if you ever want to land a man you need to learn how to make some soufflé. No man is going to poke around your backdoor (anus) if you can’t satisfy him in the kitchen (place where you make food). No man will want your taco if you can’t make him fajitas. I think you get what I’m saying here. This game is bullshit and not true to life. Here are my suggestions for making this game better:

1. Set it on fire.
2. Befriend a Wizard and get him to turn this game into a sandwich and then eat the fucking sandwich.
3. Spanish Blowjobs.

Any of those three options would drastically improve my overall satisfaction as well as potentially decrease my need for a sandwich. This game gets thumbs down all around (except vigorously between the boobs).

– Scotty

Art Of Fighting

artof

Apparently, I skipped a week.   See, I was getting ready to upload my review for Bassmaster’s Classic Pro Edition (fuck), I signed into WordPress and saw the last game reviewed was Arkanoid. So either everyone, including myself, skipped a week or I’m a fucking moron. Survey says …

For those who don’t know, in the early 90s, arcades and consoles around the world had huge technological hard-ons for fighting games.  After the release of Street Fighter, everyone, their cousin, and their creepy neighbor who smells like soup mix, released a fighter. (the) Art of Fighting is one of those games that really came into it’s own on the Neo-Geo and even spawned a few much better followups.  But here’s the thing, the Super Nintendo is not the Neo Geo and we sometimes got ports that were huge pieces of shit.

(the) Art of Fighting’s plot is simple enough.  Ryo’s sister gets kidnapped. Ryo and his friend Antonio Banderas go save her.  Along the way you uppercut some dudes. The end. Not much, but hey this story makes a hell of a lot more sense to me than anything in the Mortal Kombat universe.  The problem with this game is that it’s a huge chunk of shit. Moves are impossible to pull offand the AI feels like it was probably programmed by Jesus Christ, himself, to destroy you every time you play.  I can’t even get through this thing on easy, it’s that bad.  For a game that was released in 1992, it does alright on graphics and on sound but it’s a fucking shame this thing plays like it’s 1987.  I don’t know if it was my controller that became glitchy with just this one game but I could only use two buttons to pull off moves (excluding my L and R) so when there’s 2 other buttons just sitting there then I might as well be playing using an NES controller.

Seriously, this game feels broken.  If someone would give me the choice between having to play this game again or swallow a knife,  my insides would looks like Chilean fries by now.

Don’t play this game under any circumstances.