Brutal

brutal

When I was a kid one summer I decided to round up all the cats in my neighbourhood and tie them to one and other and then shoot fireworks right at them. They’d get incredibly freaked out and start to fight. There would be fur and cat blood everywhere. It was awesome. I would charge neighbourhood kids 50 cents to watch the action and place bets and then at the end of the summer I would spend the money on skin mags and orange creamsicles. I would have gotten away with all of it had Jenny Hutchens not told Mrs. Moffet on me after she caught me drawing cats being disembowelled by each other.

I was furious with her for a long time.

We eventually started going out in sophomore year of high school and by the time we were seniors we were making hump on a regular basis. I kept alluding to wanting to marry her after graduation and I had even dropped hints to her friends that I was planning on popping the question at prom. At the end of prom when Stairway to Heaven started I could tell she was getting nervous, speaking quickly, smiling non-stop, playing with her hair. Instead of proposing I punched her in the cunt and dumped a bag of dead cats on her. I escaped under the bleachers, where I had stored the bag of cat carcasses, and then made it out the side exit. I went home and told my parents I had a lovely time. I fell asleep with a smile on my face knowing that I taught her not to fuck with me again.

This game is kind of like that but more like Mortal Kombat. You have the possibility of playing as any of the ill-named animals warriors, all of which are slightly more homo-erotic than the last.

This game, like every other game I’ve reviewed so far, is complete fucking garbage. I would not play this any longer than I had to, which I didn’t.

Animals should only do two things (neither of which is fighting):

  1. Learn how to bring me cold beverages from the fridge.
  2. Fuck right off.
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