Thomas the Tank Engine

I want to punch this face.
Choo choo, that’s the sound of this review leaving the station! Oh no! There’s a flood of shitty mini games that’s destroyed the tracks! Look out Thomas, look out! 

This game is weak. I know I’m not its target audience, but that doesn’t excuse its complete pointlessness and half-assery. You developers do realize that adults will have to sit with their kids playing this game over and over and over, right? Way to be jerks with your coal-stained shovelware.

Each of the mini games in Thomas the Tank Engine is sadder than the last. There’s a game where you arrange the pieces of a sliding puzzle. This should take about 3 minutes tops unless your child is dead. There’s a game where you set track switches so that Thomas takes the correct route to the station. This should take about 1 minute unless your child is blind and afraid of train noises. I hate this game.


Oh, you want to hear about more excruciatingly dull mini games? Sure! Here goes:

Can you do this puzzle? Of course you can because the image you’re trying to make is the background of the puzzle. I know you want your kids to feel successful in their endeavours, but c’mon. Give them some credit.

Are you ready for a race? If you’re ready to alternate between mashing two buttons, you bet your ass you are! Quick, press the go button and occasionally let off some steam to make certain that Thomas doesn’t explode and put us all out of our collective misery!


Build some tracks to take Thomas from the farm to the mill and ultimately to the station! Hooray! Your child isn’t a rock or a pile of wires. Here’s some corn.

RACE TIME AGAIN! Whoo, mash those buttons! Go Thomas go. Go to hell.

Enjoy a Thomas the Tank Engine story where James (another train with a face) fucks up and derails and maybe kills some people. Do you care? No, but your 3 year-old will probably really care and make you watch this forty times. Too bad it’s as boring as this sentence. This game takes about 5-10 minutes to play in its ENTIRETY. Imagine paying for this game. Just imagine it.

I hope Thomas the Tank Engine jumps the tracks and kills Mr. Conductor.

One thought on “Thomas the Tank Engine

  1. The James derailment story is a classic example of Hubris. Or maybe it’s just one of those “don’t be an asshole, or you’ll end up getting fucked” kind of things. In either case, I always felt bad for the guy. I mean train. Maybe cause he’s red, and that’s my favourite colour!

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