Madden NFL ’95

I really just wanted to play Batman...
I really just wanted to play Batman...

I work at a place where I see a lot of international folks. The first question they always have for me is, “What is American football?” I usually say something like, “It’s like European football with more thigh muscles” or, “It’s like like capture the flag, but no one’s having fun, and some older men with headphones are angry.”

Football: I don’t recommend watching it.

And I especially don’t recommend playing it. This is not the kind of game that you just pick up and go, “Ball goes over there. I got it.” A realistic video game based on football is always going to be about as simple as sheering a sheep (which you’d think would be simple, but is not).

This is what it says when I've been bad.
This is what it says when I've been bad.

So this game lets you pick where you play and who you play and what you do when your band-aid falls off in the middle of the game (I chose “Bleed on Someone”). I set my game in Los Angeles in a snowstorm. Or I tried to, but the game didn’t snow at all. So, two options: either it did snow and the game doesn’t have any weather effects (which makes the whole thing kinda pointless) or it didn’t snow because the game was like, “Bitch, it don’t snow in LA; shut it down.”

Coincidentally, one of the weather settings you can select is “Night”. Is that really weather? Does the weatherman go, “Today it will be cloudy and sunny and maybe it will rain and tonight it will be night”? I rest my case.

The best part of this game by far is the way you can shout out orders to your teammates as they give you the collective moon some men find so inspiring; you press the B button and your dude shouts out some fucked up shit!

Here’s what my guy said: “GREEN GREEN GREEN RED BLUE RED BLUE…. 41!”

What does that mean?

At least he says it in a manly voice.

You know who has a manly voice? Batman. Let’s see what he’s up to…

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