Goddamn it, D-Force! Just look at all of you—lined up there lookin’ sorrier than an electrocuted cat in an unfinished basement. If I could, I’d cry, but shrapnel from a nazzie grenade blew out my tear ducts. Ain’t got but one eye, and you sad bastards are making it sorry it’s still rolling around in my steel-plated skull!

GodDAMN it, D-Force! How much money does Uncle Sam have to sink into you before you learn how to fly a damn helicopter without blowing it up? It’s not like we have endless money to spend on this helicopter-based war against an unnamed evil Middle Eastern dictator! You think the American taxpayer is ever gonna stand for a war where we just continually waste resources fighting in an entirely ineffectual manner with no real planning?

What are you smirkin’ at, Daniels? Oh, you think there are “parallels,” do you, fucking mister fucking polemic?! Let’s see how well your political theories stand up to my steel-toe kissing you in the scrotum, you degree-wielding nancy! Let’s see how quick your position falls when what’s left of my teeth are rending your baby-maker! Yeah, that’s right: I’m going to sever your dick with my teeth. How you feel about that, Mr. Keith Olbermann? You like a man in uniform slowly sawing off your genitals with his teeth while he hums the Star-Spangled Banner? No? Well then maybe we should ignore this latent homosexuality for a while and look at some of your tactical genius, shall we?

Who thinks it’s a good idea to fly a single helicopter into wave after wave of enemy fighters? Raise your hand. OH LOOK, YOU’RE ALL DOING IT! WHAT A SURPRISE! REACH FOR THE STARS, YOU CLODS. Put your hands down, retards. First off, we have a lot of these helicopters. If one gets blown up, we send another one out, right? Has anyone ever thought that sending more than one at a time might be an idea? You know, maybe even the odds a bit. I know we train you monkeys to fight against insurmountable odds, but let’s try to reduce those odds from 60000:1 to maybe 60000:5? Yes, that’s right, Daniels—12000:1. Perhaps you’d like to go down to the chow hall? They were having a special on SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING PIECE OF PIERRE DE FERMAT’S SHIT.

Okay, does ANYONE have any strategy outside of “fly back and forth really fast and shoot a lot”? No?


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