Boogerman

It is not often that I feel a game was designed exclusively for me. Not since Dr. Zhivago’s House of Big Titted Sluts and Fine Cheeses, has a game appealed to me on such a deep emotional level.

boogerman

The premise of this game is that you’re the homeless son of Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Garbage Pail Kids and the only way you can get your dick hard is by fucking rolling your boogers and flicking them at shit in this professor’s lab.

You are a sexual fiend who has completely fetishised his own mucus. You pick and roll and pick and roll and pick and roll and pick and roll until you find that perfect snot nugget, the holy grail of green globs; the booger with the single nose hair in it. You stare at it and it stares back into the empty chasm of your soul. Random images flood your mind, horseback rides, pastrami sandwiches, failed math tests. And then, as if by magic, the memories congeal and form a timeline: your timeline. There’s your first bike. There’s the tree where your dad built you a fort. There’s your Nana. Wave to Nana! You wave to Nana. Nana smiles.

Your memories speed up. Colours and sounds whirl past you, bursting into violent spheres of shame and rage and joy and laughter. And then just as abruptly as it started, it stops. You’re back in the present. You eat your booger. It’s salty. You smile and go to sleep.

This game is nothing like I’ve described.

HERE IS WHAT THE GAME IS LIKE:

You are a rich guy who likes snots

You wear a cape

You get into this dude’s lab

You try to ruin his day

You are a poor man’s Earthworm Jim

In spite of the fact that I’m their target audience (overweight, white male, doesn’t pull back the foreskin all the way when he pees so it sprays everywhere like putting a spoon over the end of a hose), this game is only fun for about 15 minutes, tops. Even the novelty of boogers eventually wears off. I’m saying that and I’m INCREDIBLY immature.

Two Snotty Thumbs Down.

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