Paperboy 2

I deliver you death!
Casual murder is the way to go.

I never had a paper route as a child, and cite my experiences playing the Paperboy series as the reason for that (also laziness). I had the mistaken notion that cars would drive down the wrong side of gigantic roads, oblivious to my presence; dogs, unleashed, would chase me down and tear me from my bike¹; insane cannoneers were allowed to wildly fire their antiquated weapons into the residential street; ghosts would run their cold fingers through my very soul if they could catch up to my furious peddling; lawnmowers would go flying unattended across the sidewalk, their blades whirling in search of fresh feet—all in all, I considered being a paper delivery person to be one of the world’s most dangerous jobs, like crab boat documentary camera operator or wrestler’s child.

Setting aside all of those dangers, just look at the consequences for failure in this game: if you miss a delivery, the household immediately cancels their subscription. I understand being angry about the broken windows, but I think people in this game world are a liiittle strung out, especially considering how dangerous the neighbourhood is. They should be glad they get a paper delivered at all! It’s little wonder modern paper delivery relies on sad middle-aged men with cars and not much hope for life.

If getting all your subscriptions tossed out wasn’t bad enough already, if you do poorly enough, they fuckin’ write a story about it! I don’t know what life in this town is like, but if “PAPERBOY SHITS EVERYTHING UP, IS FIRED” is their cover story, then it’s a pretty boring² little town full of very lazy reporters. What kind of paper puts a close-up of the crying face of a child who’s just failed? What kind of exploitative nonsense media would do such a thing? What kind of sick, depraved, sewer of a human being would publicly decry a child whose only crime was his inability to outrun ghosts?!

I would!

Fuck you, you gimpy useless paperboy! You call that riding a bike? I’ve fallen off my bike maybe three times in my life. How many times can you slightly clip a sewer drain and go tumbling ass over teakettle³ onto the hard street? A bunch! Learn to ride a bike before doing this! Especially considering the dangerous environs, geez! No wonder everyone in this town despises you and your ugly pants.

¹ One time I fell off my bike and stabbed myself in the stomach with my handle bars when I swerved to avoid a puppy. Though it’s not really the same thing as being dragged down and mauled, I feel like the experience was close enough.

² I mean aside from the myriad of dangers and the chance of being sprayed with a hose while sunbathing.

³ I don’t know how the teakettle is involved, but we’re cleaning it before we have more tea.

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