Batman Forever

Batman Forever
Batman Forever

Oh em gee! Batman is like so totally awesome! I get to play and review Batman Forever!  Joyest of days!  I love Batman!  He’s so kool, and sexy, and kevlar-covered!  I turn on the game, my glee barely contained…

Mommy?

Why is that man putting that thing up Batman’s bum?

Mommy?

Why does Batman look like he’s liking it?

Yes, my friends, this is what we refer to as FRANCHISE RAPE!

It was from Akklaim, so I had my hopes that it wouldn’t blow donkey chunks.  Clearly I was smoking some good pot.  And I want some more.  The game is one of the first to use characters that are actually /filmed/, and then transformed into awkward looking, impractical, SNES-y feel characters.  And they display this fact PROUDLY!  As if it’s some sort of epic advancement in game development.  Look! We can make our sprites look like retards that sway back and forth between /3/ different movement effects!  Don’t you want to give us $70 for this!?!

They actually filmed it in a studio.  And they have /credits for the actors/ in the opening sequence.  The models look like they all have Parkinson’s.  I’ve seen bad GIFs on webpages that have more lifelike movements than these characters.

Still.  It’s 1995.  Let’s give it the benefit of the doubt.  Let’s play a few stages.  The game plays like Mortal Kombat Sub-Zero for PSX.  Only with worse controls and worse level design.  Yes, it’s possible.  In fact, I’m convinced that they used this same game code as the platform for the development of Sub-Zero.  The moves are cheapened, awkwardified versions of similar moves in the Mortal Kombat games.  The sound effects for the moves are sad.  The music is so bad that there’s an option to TURN IT OFF in the game menu.  After playing for 3 minutes, I reset and turned the music off.  Clearly they figured out it would piss people off, but instead of making BETTER MUSIC, they just added an option to turn it off.  Sad.

It's like the Street Fighter Movie game, only with worse graphics, worse gameplay, and worse level design.  Who knew turds came in shades of greenish brown?
It's like the Street Fighter Movie game, only with worse graphics, worse gameplay, and worse level design. Who knew turds came in shades of greenish brown?

The game has loading times that are worse than disk-based games.  This is a CARTRIDGE-BASED SYSTEM!  I’ve seen PSX games load faster.  Every time you exit the screen, you pause for a 10 second load.  Inexcusable.  The level design is so bad that within 5 minutes of gameplay, you have to look up what the fuck you’re supposed to do because you’re stuck, in a room, with nowhere to go.  No exits, nothing.  You just walk back and forth.  It’s not a riddle, it’s retarted!

Srsly?  You want me to wait for you to load the next 3 meters of stage?  And it's not even the traditional "please wait".  It's "hold the fuck up"!  It's like this game was written by irate New Yorkers.
Srsly? You want me to wait for you to load the next 3 meters of stage? And it's not even the traditional "please wait". It's "hold the fuck up"! It's like this game was written by irate New Yorkers.

You would think that after the dismal failure of games like these in the SNES era, that companies like Akklaim would have learned.  But no, they went on to rape our franchises and our eye sockets again in the PSX era and beyond.  If you missed this one back in the day, be happy you did.

Verdict:  The animation uses the SNES’s power in a fumblingly-awkward way that is not at all appealing.  The loading times are pathetic.  The music is so bad you want to turn it off – and have the option to do so.  The controls are so terrible that in my entire play time I was able to execute a special move exactly twice – both times while flailing angrily at the controls.  The level design makes you want to choke someone.  This game is just a footnote in the attempts at merging cinematography with games.  An abysmal failure, but a step towards understanding how games and cinema really have closer ties than we thought back in 1995.  I suppose failures like this one were necessary to build the bridge to awesomeness like Metal Gear Solid less than a decade later.

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