Brain Lord

Mmm, that's sweet name contradiction
Mmm, that's sweet name contradiction

Brain Lord very nearly put me to sleep. After naming my character “Federlin” (I ran out of letters,  but when I hear the phrase “Brain Lord,” I immediately think of K-Fed), I decided to explore the incredibly generic fantasy town in which I found myself. And explore it I did, seeking out the blacksmith whose smithy was conveniently inside a completely nondescript house. It took me a little while to locate him, since his smithy didn’t even generate  a single wisp of smoke and no one was being very forthcoming, as they only had a single thing to say. The blacksmith was offering to pay me to bring him dragon scales, a job I readily accepted since whatever the hell else am I supposed to do? Besides, I couldn’t leave town without a reason, apparently.

I almost forgot: I’m descended from a great line of Dragon Warrigrs! Way to go,  BRAIN LORD. I see you’ve gone shopping at the BIG BARN OF GENERIC FANTASY and you’re trotting out a near-dead horse with a really familiar sounding name. The horse probably has a DESTINY and INEXPLICABLE POWERS. Probably grew up on a farm where it toiled in anonymity until some uncle horse cantered into town with a special sword and a series of cloaked enemies. Brain Lord, brought to you by Robert Jordan.

Ok, so I’ve left town and I guess I want to go rip the skin off a dragon. Fair enough. Oh look, the countryside is full of cyclopean goblins who walk in circles and eventually run into my sword. Slash slash slash. Dead. Slash slash slash. Dead. It really emulates the thrill of medieval combat. My pulse is racing (slowly) and my heart is beating almost 70 times a minute. The only time these enemies hurt me is when I get so bored I drift off. Luckily they’ve built a “waning attention” alarm into the game via an incredibly irritating beeping nose that shrilly reminds you that you only have two bars of health left. You’d better get moving and slash at more cyclopean goblins or completely non-threatening blue heads with wings so you can shut off that noise when they deathshit a heart!

Hey, an empty cabin with eerie music and treasure chests! One of them contains a fairy, to whom I give the charming appelation of “Cuntch.” I don’t know what Cuntch is good for since I don’t plan on playing Brain Lord for very much longer…probably some magic. Wow. Wandering around some more leads me to a dungeon that has bouncing skulls and skeletons that collapse into a pile of bones when hit only to surprisingly reform themselves. Then I die after the BORING ALARM goes off a little longer.

This game supposedly has some neat puzzles, but I couldn’t get past the incredibly bland generic fantasy setting, pedestrian graphics and staggeringly trite storyline. If this review was boring and uninspired then it’s perfectly representative of Brain Lord and my job is done.

I’m going to go play Resident Evil 5 and forget I ever did this.

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