Revolution X

Porting a shit light-gun arcade game starring Aerosmith to the SNES should be punishable by electrical shocks to the genitals while listening to recordings of sick weasels trying to mate for twelve hours straight.

For those of you lucky enough not to be familiar with this game, Revolution X takes place in the far-flung future of the year 1996, where a military government has taken over the world, banned just about every form of entertainment, and has begun incarcerating everyone between the ages of 13 and 30—as well as all the members of Aerosmith, who themselves haven’t seen 30 since before the invention of the telephone. You, being a rebellious youth of the ’90s, take it upon yourself to rescue the band members by shooting up hundreds upon hundreds of faceless thugs in yellow-and-black jumpsuits using an endless supply of bullets and a scant quantity of…umm…highly deadly CDs?

No, seriously, that’s what the game is about. It’s almost enough to make baby Jesus cry blood—if he wasn’t already a staggering, emotionless zombie bent on noshing on delicious brain matter.

Not already content with making babies cry, Midway then decided it was necessary to put the game on nearly every major home video game console at the time, forcing players to attempt to aim and shoot at small targets with a gamepad while listening to low-quality copies of their parents’ music.

They should have gone bankrupt years sooner.

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