King of the Monsters

I call this one, "Naptime in Tokyo"

What would happen if fake Ultraman, bullshit Godzilla, and some other knockoff monsters got in a fight? Buildings would fall and some God-like creature in space spying on the planet from a Bing Maps-type isometric view would get points.

This game was once on Nick Arcade, if memory serves. Probably more than once. That show wasn’t on in Canada much (we didn’t get Nick, I think some channel aired it occasionally). That’s pretty cool, I guess. That’s a nostalgic thing. Who’d have guessed? A snarky reference to the childhood of an older Generation Y dude who is writing on the Internet? Followed by some self-effacing meta-garble? You are DEFINITELY reading about old video games on the Internet at this point.

You have so far heard about an old video game TV show for children; a 1990’s 16-bit video game; a giant Japanese hero of the 20th century, a giant monster from the same country and time, a Web 2.0 satellite-image map website, a clam, a crab, a cockle, a cowrie, a reference to an early 21st-century harpist, a generation of perpetually snarky perpetual adolescents, and the Internet.

You’ve also heard an entire paragraph whose sole purpose was to make reference to the paragraph before it, as if to say, “hey, remember that time when A) something that was in the past, be it slightly or very much so, happened? Good times, and B) aren’t I a clever wee lad?”
Yes, it is true: these 400 or however many words encapsulate this entire stupid goddamn generation and I hate that I am one of us. We’re sarcastic little fucks, we aren’t actually good at anything, and once the baby boomers retire/die out we have to become the workforce, which sucks, because the Gen Xers are about as good as us at actually getting shit done (maybe a bit better) and with our powers combined the Western world is going to crumble as power plants and water treatment plants and farms and production facilities are abandoned by their cotton-headed retirees. These empty factories will be “boring” to this generation, who will mention as much on their FACETWITBLOGs, as they go to play Grand Theft Auto VII: Geek City and blow up people who ultimately look like themselves in a stunning recreation of Silicon Valley (which will last precisely until those abandoned power plants stop working on their own). God I hate us.

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2 thoughts on “King of the Monsters

  1. most of the people in our generation aren’t sitting in the glow of their monitors wearing a keffiyeh and masturbating with their iPhone. it’s just that rich, bored, useless fuckers like us are the ones who have the time and inclination to circlejerk on the internet the most, and thus wax the loudest about how much they care about not caring about anything.

    there will be plenty of people who still do useful things like making things, building things, making things work, feeding us – just fewer than in the last generation.

    the solution, as always, will be robots.

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