The year was 1992 and a strange magic cloud descended on the world. For a little while, the sun was blacked out by the whirling and seething magic cloud, and the wailing of the people rose each day as their memory of sunlight diminished. Soon, they turned on each other, ravenous beasts loosed by the Stygian shadows. It was humanity’s darkest hour. Then, as if from a dream, the world woke and the magic cloud disappeared. All that was left behind was the terrible carnage we had wrought on one another and the feature-length animated film, Bebe’s Kids. Later that year society decided to collectively forget this fantastic and horrible event ever occurred – the only remnant of this time is a badly designed SNES game based on the movie. Bebe’s Kids is a reminder of this atavistic primal violence, an artifact of regret and shame. We must hold its lessons dear to our hearts, lest we ever forget and the magic cloud returns to claim us all.
You begin by selecting one of two characters from Bebe’s Kids: the titular children from which you can choose are LaShawn and Kahill. At least for the first level in the game, you cannot play as the smelly baby with the gravelly voice and a bellyful of whimsy. Perhaps you can enjoy traipsing about as that little ragamuffin later on in the game, but I will never know and would appreciate it if no one tells me so it can remain a mystery – a mystery that I could care less about only if I had some type of cybernetic Gives No Fuck chip implanted in my brain.
Wandering about the theme park Fun Land (the joke is that it’s not fun) and punching people in the crotch is a strange ballet that I’d find enjoyable if not for the fact the controls in this game aren’t very responsive, making movement seem as though you’re slogging along the bottom of an angry sea with high salt content. I can only listlessly hit a man wearing a mouse costume in the junk so many times before my attention begins to drift to thoughts of not playing this game. Just think about all the things I could do instead of playing Bebe’s Kids: eat a sandwich, …
Instead of wasting your time playing Bebe’s Kids, why not construct a fine sandwich? Go to the deli and buy some prosciutto, pick up some nice soft bread and a fine cheese (your preference). Mustard. A bit of crisp lettuce. Delicious, relatively healthy, and much better for your mental health than even a single minute of playing this game. Walk outside and enjoy your life while you still can: the magic cloud could be back and so could Bebe’s Kids.
Deep down inside, you know this to be true. And you’re afraid as I am.