Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure
From the journal of a dude named Harry.
It’s been seventeen weeks and three days since I got to this God-forsaken jungle and I’ve just about had it. Snakes, crocodiles, shit-flinging monkeys, and for what? to chase down a long-dead civilization and its petrified blood-god appeasing tchotchkes? This is a waste of time. It’s not helping our civilization to preserve theirs. There’s really two ways to look at it: they were a waste of time, and therefore, my entire reason to live is a waste of time, or they were secret geniuses of some sort and the world will end in 2012. Either way, I lose.
Therefore I intend to end my own life.
I’m not going out like other famous chumps go out, though. I need to find something suitable, something epic, that will cap the end of my time on this Earth and make people remember waht I was about when I was alive. No David Carradine autoerotic asphyxiation-type shit. I’m talking Steve Irwin manta-ray-spike-through-chest stuff. Real “appropriate” type shit.
I will meditate on this while floating as I was taught by the fictional Indian yogi in my brain and get back to you journal.
I am writing this while trapped in quicksand. These will be my last words, as I assume I have few left. This is awesome. This is exactly the kind of thing that I wanted to happen. Hopefully a snake shows up and poisons me or something, too.
I’ve sort of just realized that quicksand won’t leave a body for the next fool to find, so good thing I have this journal. To my wife and kids: sorry I wasn’t around. Maybe you shouldn’t have married/been born to a goddamn world explorer though. I wish I could’ve played catch more with Harry Jr., but I suspect that’s more his fault for being a prancing nancy and not mine for being absent. I can only hope that you, my daughter, Harriet, manaage to leapfrog off of my weird celebrity and turn into an anorexic faux-celeb with Chris Brown sex tape or something and manage to make a living doing virtually nothing. It’s what I always wanted for you and Harry Jr. That is, until I realized that Harry Jr. is probably gay. The gayest 4-year old ever, really. Or is he 12 now? I can’t remember.
This is it. Fuck the Mayans. I’m going out grinning. Wait, they won’t see my face. How about a thumbs up?