Ghoul Patrol

If you go down in the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise! (rape)
If you go down in the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise! (rape)

Since this game is so wonderfully rhyme-oriented in its intro, I decided it would be “fun” to write a little rap of my own! BEHOLD:

Check it out dudes a cool exhibition/
At the library, no admission/
It’s about ghosts and demons of the dark ages/
Fuckin’ up knights and buggerin’ they pages/

Come on Zeke, let’s go Julie/
This exhibition’s gonna fuckin’ rule see/
Something’s happening to that chest/
No the wood one, not Julie’s breasts/

It’s a floating book, that’s totally rad/
These special effects make me glad/
That the city raised public service fees/
Now we can have sweet exhibits like these/

It’s a Ghosts & Demons book with a skull in the middle/
That’s the kind of thing that we should fiddle/
With…no question—hey, it is a phrase/
Read it aloud, we cool like ice trays/

To you, the reader, best beware, of ghosts and demons, everywhere.
All kinds and sizes, short and tall, fat, skinny, big and small.
But don’t worry, or run away, ghosts and demons just want to play.
To play they need a boy and girl, so these new friends can join this world, to invite them over, say this line,
It is ghosts and demons time
But first practice and rehearse. for you must say it in reverse

Cool! This is fresh man. Let’s say it together/
No way we’ll wind up like Heath Ledger/
Ok. Whatever you say, Zeke/
My one character trait is being real meek/

Emit snomed dna stsohg si ti

Maybe that wasn’t the smartest thing we’ve ever said
/
Holy shit look at that demon’s head!/
YOU’RE LIKE LOIS LANE ON A WEEKEND: SUPER BONED/
That demon burn was sick and now it’s waving hell-OWNED!/

I’VE WAITED SO LONG FOR SOME MANUAL RELEASE/
GET IT? MANUAL RELEASE? I’M COMING OUT A BOOK YOU SILLY GEESE/
NOT “COMING” LIKE THAT, NO NOT YET/
ARE YOU KIDS EIGHTEEN? I WANNA KNOW HOW DIRTY TO GET/

That’s just great, I think I soiled myself
/
I’ll clean this shit up with a book off the shelf/
There’s a reason they don’t like me in the library/
My personal hygiene uses books from A-Z*/

I have waited for so long for somebody to release me. Now I can conquer all the different time dimensions, with the help of my minions.

What have we done! We are doomed!

No way, man! I am going to fight this ugly demon dude and send him back to his freaky dimension.

So I guess NOW it’s ghosts and demons time/
Grab some guns we’ll be just fine/
I’m surprised we’re not already packin’/
Considering how the kids these days are all carrying firearms. Kids, if you’re going to own a gun, please instruct yourself on gun safety and the local laws. Register your weapon for your own safety and the safety of your family. Get goi—crackin’/

* Canadians take note: this part of the rap is distinctly American.

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