WarpSpeed

I think I see something! Is it a fun game? No...no, my mistake.
It’s no secret that I’m burned out on writing these reviews, primarily because I just wrote “I’m burned out on writing these reviews” and you presumably read it, otherwise this whole thing makes no sense. To be fair I was burned out writing these reviews about 60 or so reviews ago, but I like to bite off more than I can chew and I have a giant mouth with some great big teeth. Great big teeth that I’m now going to sink into the tasteless sludge of a meal that is WarpSpeed. There, that was an intro of sorts. God I’m tired. So tired.

Who hasn’t wanted to pilot a spaceship? I might have asked this question before, but I’m still waiting for the imagination-free twat I know is waiting out there with some fun-busting negative answer. Until he or she (let’s face it: he) responds to me, I will blithely assume NO ONE. There’s NO ONE who wouldn’t want to pilot an intergalactic vessel with warp speed and phaser guns and sexy alien ladies and sweating. WarpSpeed is a game that has some of those things, sort of.

As you can see from the action-packed screenshot, this game is a little light on the graphics. You can see into the void and aim at the nothing through your reticule, blasting away merrily at whatever should venture into your sights. I found it difficult to aim at anything, let alone hit it, but keep in mind I’m a spastic manchild who blathers about SNES games until my eyes hurt and I yearn for the sweet pillowy embrace of Lady Death.

Navigation across the vastness of space is done by consulting a Battleship-esque (yes, I just wrote that) map that shows you the position of your enemies. Driving around trying to find them is so much fun I wrote a sarcastic sentence about it.

There are several different missions or modes or SOMETHING but I’m not really sure since every one I played involved me drifting around in space, occasionally shooting and missing enemy ships who would challenge me to a combat that I thought we were already having.

Sure, WarpSpeed lets you pilot a spaceship, but you don’t feel like a competent pilot in a good spaceship. You feel like a loser. A space loser.

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3 thoughts on “WarpSpeed

  1. I dig the reviews. I personally prefer short, not-too-serious little blurbs on games, especially older ones. I’m doing something similar, only with NES games, over at my site: http://questicle.blogspot.com. Feel free to check it out, if you’re interested.

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