The Mask

Ugh.
Ugh.

Let’s look beyond the obvious here. This game is awful, certainly. I’m not sure I’ve ever hated something so quickly. And it’s awful in that very specific way that only movie tie-ins can be. What’s the most mindblowing is that I have no idea how these games get this way. There’s got to be some people from the movie studio around, because you’d hope that people who make games also happen to play games and that maybe they’d be aware that they’re creating an experience that is remarkably unlikable.  I mean, maybe everyone has this “it pays the bills” mentality and you can turn a blind eye… that would explain the career of men like Uwe Boll who can make money by releasing shitty movies somehow. Or maybe they have this staple of developers who are only employed for movie tie-ins. They bus them in to work in the basement. They don’t have a break room and they all share one undersized pot of coffee and start cold wars over thermometer settings.

So I guess what I’m saying is that Occam’s Razor dictates that these awful games are made by sad people (sad meaning that their very existence makes you sad).

I just… I can’t think of a way that someone would think “you know how when the movie starts, and Stanley/The Mask/SMOOOOOOOKIN is in his apartment?! That could be a level in the game!.” And then one of them, seemingly intelligent but maybe just playing devil’s advocate, says “oh yeah! but what sort of enemies would you fight in your apartment?” And then, after careful deliberation, come up with a master list of things that happen in apartments that would definitely act as a way to prevent a green, wisecracking norse supersoldier with a fucking extend-o-glove from leaving the building.  So, let’s review common apartment perils, you guys:

Hired Goons (hired goons?). Obligatory. Unsurprising. But there is money all over the place (I'm holding $300 I picked up off the side of the wall or whatever) so I don't know why they're shaking me down when they could make out like bandits... or goons.
Hired Goons (hired goons?). Obligatory. Unsurprising. But there is money all over the place (I'm holding $300 I picked up off the side of the wall or whatever) so I don't know why they're shaking me down when they could make out like bandits... or goons.
Man who throws cats out his open door, instead of just closing and locking the door. Cats are projectiles, apparently. Also, my neighbours do this constantly. This is 100% accurate.
Man who throws cats out his open door, instead of just closing and locking the door. Cats are projectiles, apparently. Also, my neighbours do this constantly. This is 100% accurate.
Lady in facial mask (analogs, get it, who is the real monster here?) with a shotgun. There's a whole floor of these in the 3 floor building I live in. They're good people.
Lady in facial mask (analogs, get it, who is the real monster here?) with a shotgun. There's a whole floor of these in the 3 floor building I live in. They're good people.
Morbidly obese man who couldn't leave his apartment so they broke down the wall and put him half in the hallway who takes out a shotgun with giant novelty bullets to shoot at you because he needs sleep because bed sores make it hard to sleep. Possibly related to facial mask lady, or at the very least they share suppliers.
Morbidly obese man who couldn't leave his apartment so they broke down the wall and put him half in the hallway who takes out a shotgun with giant novelty bullets to shoot at you because he needs sleep because bed sores make it hard to sleep. Possibly related to facial mask lady, or at the very least they share suppliers.
Crazy bowling superintendant who fucking loves to bowl.  He has a big nose so I guess maybe he's supposed to be Jewish or whatever because these colors don't run. I don't know what colors though.
Crazy bowling superintendant who fucking loves to bowl. He has a big nose so I guess maybe he's supposed to be Jewish or whatever because these colors don't run. I don't know what colors though.

So, I mean, we can all relate right?  And also this building has about 200 floors and in the little level selection screen there’s only four. So basically, fuck this game so hard somewhere very uncomfortable.

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