I guess the Stone Protectors are supposed to be Troll dolls for boys. I can only imagine the boardroom meetings that led to their creation, and it’s weird I can only imagine because I have this completely real transcript of how it went down:
“So girls really like these Troll dolls, huh?”
“Yeah, we’re selling tons of the stupid fuckin’ things.”
“Boys don’t buy them at all though…”
“Why don’t we make a version for boys? What’s masculine? Uh, stones. Yeah, and they’ve all got powers. They have magic gems and powers and there’s a samurai or whatever.”
“Do you think boys will actually want these instead of something much cooler like [VIRTUALLY ANY OTHER TOY]?”
“Who the fuck cares? I’m rolling in goddamned Troll money right now.”
“Yeah, fuck boys!”
“Phil, that’s especially creepy coming from you.”
In Stone Protectors you can play as one of five different characters. Here’s how they’re described by my friend Wikipedia (who’s primarily my friend because they save me a whole lot of typing):
- Clifford became a “rock climber.” He is the band’s drummer.
- Cornelius, the group’s leader, became a samurai with an assortment of appropriate weaponry (katana, shuriken, and a pair of nunchaku made of microphones). He’s the band’s lead singer, but also plays guitar.
- Chester became an expert at wrestling and received great strength. He plays bass guitar and saxophone.
- Angus became a “soldier” and an expert at turning mundane objects into weapons. He plays keyboard. Angus ostensibly built up the Protectors’ bizarre attack vehicles from things like barbecues and lawnmowers.
- Maxwell became an “accelerator” with in-line skates. He plays guitar.
The game itself is a surprisingly solid beat ’em up; I found myself somewhat shocked that I was enjoying the gameplay and music. On the other end of the spectrum, I detest the character design. I’ve always hated Troll dolls (they skeeve me right out), and the Stone Protectors share enough traits in common that my hatred can be easily applied to their stupid faces as well.
BOTTOM LINE TIME! If you enjoy beat ’em ups with a variety of special attacks and can stand to look at the melting faces of the Stone Protectors, then go right ahead and “plug in this cartridge” and enjoy the exploits of these freaky mutated Cabbage Patch Kids. Just don’t fall asleep while playing, because if these things work their way into your dreams, they’ll never leave.
They’ll never leave