Faceball 2000

You’re a giant face-man who, having gone rogue, wants to kill other giant face-men in giant face-man war arenas.

But you’re not, actually.

Excelent refresh rate! Readable text!
Excelent refresh rate! Readable text!

No, you’re a kid at a computer. A computer with two floppy drives so you can run the really demanding games.

In fact, the computer is so good that it gives you a heads-up display of how much armour, speed, and shots you have. Oh, actually those things don’t do anything. Apparently they’re just there for decoration.

The computer also has buttons for…

Stop
Stop
Display coat of arms
Display coat of arms

and

Surprise a lover
Surprise a lover

I can’t figure out how to press them, but the key probably lies in the 18 unmarked buttons below.

The story is set in the distant future of the year 2000 when the HappyFace trend will have caught on so hard that people will build giant fences to keep the faces in. To keep them away from the cities. It’s dystopian, you see.

The faces will become dissatisfied with the situation. They will attempt an outbreak.

You’re the last defence against the rising tide, a child at a computer. A computer with two floppy drives. Oh yeah, baby.

This game is a stagnant pile of waste. Do not play it under any circumstance.

If you’re running Windows 95 and you like the screensaver with the maze and the rat, you probably won’t like this game.

A final anecdote: The third level, Vancouver, is really dumb. The spot you have to get to is fenced in. The only way to unlock it is to go to the other side of the map and come back.

Genius.

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