Meth. Ice. Bennies. Browns. Crank. Horseheads. Rippers. Uppers. White. Redneck Heroin. L.A. Glass. Albino Poo. Tweak. Crystal. Power Stone. New Mexico Clam Chowder. Fuzzy Illogic. Breakfast of Chumps. Violence Juice. Nose Whiskey. American Brothic. Nasal Douchebaggery. The Red-Eye Flight From Stupid To Despair. Lawnmower Gas. Monkey Ass. Lance Bass. Ritalin For Dummies. Dirty Chemical Sanchez. Punchfuel. Solid Jaundice. Hardy Boys And The Secret Of The Rented Apartment Uptown. Murder Motive. Devil Dust. The Hell’s Angel’s Construction Set. Wakey-Wake And The Sleepycrashes. The Other Gateway Drug. The Other White Meat. The Chemical Bungee Jump.
These are all popular euphemisms for the filthy drug known as speed. Speed is, sadly, big in the racing world, and they’re blatant about it. In Canada, atl east, there’s an all-racing television station called Speedvision. Speedvision! Can you imagine if there were a Weedvision? Heads would roll! And I don’t mean hip-hop heads, and I don’t mean roll L’s! For some reason, this disgusting abomination is allowed to exist, because Canadians don’t know the facts about amphetamines.
Look, I know a lot about speed. I’ve seen Spun, AND two seasons of Breaking Bad. I know it’s bad for you. Speed is so bad that a combination of cocaine and heroin is called SPEEDBALLS. It’s like someone said, “you know, SMACK-COKE or COCAOIN just don’t sound brutal enough for this. I know! Instead of calling it something involving the names of those two awful, addictive drugs, let’s name it after another, even worse drug! And male body parts! Let’s call it ICECOCK!” (I assume at some point later, someone decided speedballs worked better).
I don’t even get the appeal. Cocaine has Patrick Bateman and Scarface, intense crazy dudes with an edge. Weed has Bob Marley, a modern-day philosopher king (or so the crusty hippie at work loves to say). Even fucking heroin has tortured artists like Kurt Cobain. What the fuck does speed have? Corey Feldman?*
Speed kills. It killed Greg Moore. Buddy Holly. Dan Snyder. Left-Eye Lopez. Princess Diana. The thing about speed: as good as it feels, you crash eventually. And it’s never pretty.
*I don’t know if Corey Feldman has ever done speed, so, this isn’t libel, but, you know… look at him.