Eek! the Cat

FACT: Most old people are killed by coconuts.
FACT: Most old people are killed by coconuts.

There is a cat in charge of protecting a dangerously senile old woman: this is the state of the palliative care in this country. We leave our elderly in the hands of neurotic bipedal cats. Do you feel though you’re being properly represented with your taxes if your grandmother is being led into a zoo by a cat? Your grandmother! She makes you tea and cookies and is sweetly racist.

Eek! the Cat is a side-scroller with an annoying twist: playing as Eek!, you’re responsible for keeping that stupid old lady from dying. Escort missions are always a pain in the ass, and this is certainly no exception. Your health meter for the first stage in the game (as far as I was able to get) is the old lady’s health. If she dies, you lose. I don’t know why. If you recall from the cartoon, Eek! had a place to live with his uncaring and gluttonous family already. Perhaps Eek!’s real problem is that he cares too much and too deeply. One can only claim “It never hurts to help!” and be electrocuted so many times before it’s likely that the speaker is actually really retarded.

“It never hurts to help!” Hit in the head by a coconut. “It never hurts to help!” Jabbed in the stomach with a hypodermic needle full of monkey blood. “It never hurts to help!” Shipped off to Afghanistan.

If Eek! was really concerned about helping the old woman, he’d call some kind of social services to ensure that she had proper long-term care instead of shepherding her from one death trap to the next. That talking purple cat is dangerously irresponsible, and so are the creators of Eek! the Cat and this game. What do we expect children to think when they play this game? It sets a dangerous precedent for the many tens of kids who played Eek! the Cat. They will truly believe that the best course of action when dealing with a stumbling near-blind crone is to bring her through a zoo where the animals are running loose.

Statistics will later show that the death rates of blind old ladies and incredibly dull-witted children will grow by a statistically non significant amount.

Back to the game: I found it intensely difficult for two reasons. 1) Eek! is a little hard to navigate; I kept getting stuck on the old lady (also a personal problem of mine on buses). 2) I want that old woman to die. She should not be alive. It’s the same “old” issue I have with Mr. Magoo—old people that dangerously unaware are a threat to all of us, especially if they have access to cars. While I appreciate the humour of octogenarians driving into groups of bystanders, it becomes significantly less funny when there’s a chance it could happen to me.

In conclusion, stay off the road, GRANDPA!

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