Super Goal!

I will start by saying that this game is not terrible. It’s actually half decent once you get into it, but I think its main fault is that it tries too hard and comes up a little short. I say this because you can tell they were going for a really authentic style of soccer that would have you impressed by its realism.  The problem is “realism” and “16-bit graphics” just don’t really go well together. Being able to choose your formation at the start of the game left me thinking the game play would be deep and engaging. I was totally fooled.

Canada wearing Pink and blue watches as Germany celebrates by double fisting cocks
Canada wearing Pink and blue watches as Germany celebrates by double fisting cocks

Picking your team’s formation at the start of the game is a mere formality. Once the ball is in play, it looks like every soccer game you played between the ages of 2 and 8. Sure, you all have nice matching uniforms, a coach yelling orders from the sidelines, and parents there to cheer you on. But eventually you realize this means very little. Positions are soon forgotten, and you have an angry mob chasing a ball around a field just giving it one good boot in any direction they can. Goals are scored completely by accident, and the goalie has no chance of stopping it because he is 1/16th the size of the goal he is protecting. He is 8 years old and has stubby arms and if he is lucky can jump slightly more than a foot in any given direction.

The AI will also have players just standing around.  He was like that stereotypical kid who isn’t into sports and is instead in the corner, doing flower arrangements. He will certainly grow up to like other men, but no one knows this yet because our childlike innocence prevents us from even imagining it. Unless it was just me at the age of 8, unable to fathom him grown up to have his ass penetrated repeatedly while simultaneously being given the reach-around of a lifetime.

And that is what Super Goal! is like.