Pagemaster

My sister used to watch Pagemaster like once a day. So I kind of hate that shit. Patrick Stewart be damned: movies that look like this, all Don Bluthy and whatever, are fucking weird and gross in a way I can never quite explain. Nimh excluded because it’s cool. But seriously, Rock-a-Doodle? All Dogs Go To Heaven? Get that creepy shit outta my face.

Imagine my excitement when 15 years later, I find out there’s this Pagemaster game and I am going to play it. And write about it. Fuck!

BUT THEN THERE’S A TWIST IN THE STORY, AND I AM GOING TO TELL YOU IT:

The first level has you playing the creepy Macaulay Culkin nerd child in a place called TORTURE CHAMBER. Is this real life or is this Michael Jackson’s perverted wet dream (fuck you, that joke would’ve been total fair game if he were alive, so no “too soon” shit– IF ANYTHING IT’S TOO LATE)? ALL I KNOW IS MACAULAY’S GONNA GET THE HURT LAID ON.

However, enraptured reader, THE JOKE WAS ON ME! After killing his bowl-cutted, bespectacled mutant-sized head over and over, I decided to attempt to progress. However, there was A Problem: this game makes no fucking sense and progression is pretty much impossible. Before I knew it I ahd played an hour on the first level.

I THOUGHT THE CULK WAS BEING TORTURED. TURNED OUT, I WAS LOOKING IN A MIRROR THE WHOLE TIME AND WAS, IN FACT, MACAULAY CULKIN. Figuratively speaking, of course. I only wish I was the real Mac-Culk; that would mean I would have been in a film with Catherine O’Hara, a Canadian ICON, as well as Mandy Moore, WHO I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE TRIED TO MACK ON (haha joke on my/his name).

Enough daydreaming. I am a grownup who spent far too long playing a game I hated to write an article that makes no sense while hardly awake and at work. It isn’t enough to say “the joke is on me”– I think every joke, ever, probably, is on me at this point.

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