Double Dragon V: The Shadow Falls

Today's top news story: Two identical chicks fight, nobody cares
Today's top news story: Two identical chicks fight, nobody cares

No wonder I’ve never played Double Dragon V. It’s a installment of a fun beat ’em up series that decides to go the “let’s rip off Street Fighter” route and deliver an undercooked fighting game. Why couldn’t it just be a good ol’ fashioned Double Dragon game? I miss taking Billy and jimmy Lee and punch Abobo in the crotch 80 times until he blinks out of existence. Instead now I get to play as a robot or a broad and hit other dudes, one at a time, with “special moves” and “combos” and other junk I don’t care about.

This is the problem, I think, that I have with fighting games. Unlike more narrative-based games, you get out of the game precisely as much as you put into it. Other writers on this site (Angus, Travis, Andy) picked up Blazblue recently, which is an incredibly well-rated and well-loved fighting game for the 360. I used to play Street Fighter III with the guys, and Street Fighter IV for a spell, but I think that’s when I gave up on the genre. I don’t want to have a shitty time playing a game because I don’t have the urge to specialize in it. That’s why I prefer to play a game like, say, Red Faction; the second you get into the game, you’re smashing buildings with a big dumb hammer and making them fall down and hurting dudes and running things over in a big stupid Mars car.

But, my argument is hypocritical: I love shmups. How, to be fair, the ones I love most are the ones where I feel like I can do pretty well by jsut reacting, even the first or second time I play; something like Raiden Fighters Aces (the recent 360 compilation) is great because I can mostly dodge crap for the first couple of levels and blow a bunch of badguys up and feel generally awesome.

But that’s the thing with most fighters; no matter what the game is, it ends up being a test of “who gets this game the most” with anything from a dash to a healthy dollop of “who got lucky.” So just in case it’s not sad enough learning how to fight people in a video game, you can also get your ass kicked by a lucky button mash. COUNT ME OUT.

Maybe Double Dragon V is good. I’d bet on it sucking, even to fighting game fans. I didn’t relaly play long enough to get more than 2 hits in, so don’t ask me. I’m going to go learn a foreign language or something with the time I saved not learning how to do special moves in this ughfest.

Uh, never. I am never ready. Also, fuck you, captain robo-eyeball.
Uh, never. I am never ready. Also, fuck you, captain robo-eyeball.

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