Snow White in Happily Ever After

Once upon a time there was a really evil witch who wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The way in which she sought to achieve this was by purchase of a magic mirror that was purported to determine who in the world was “the fairest of them all.” Now, the witch was not the most beautiful person in the world, but she was also pretty daft. So when the witch asked the mirror “who is the fairest of them all?” the mirror chose to interpret “fair” to mean “fair-skinned” rather than beautiful. You see, the mirror knew that the witch, who, as an evil woman, was naturally pale, was the lightest skinned person in the world. In this way, the mirror saved itself the problems that may arise when a sorcerer is angered. And this worked out pretty well, until one day, some silly woman pricked herself with a needle and, as was the custom, wished for something: a daughter who was really pale (but not evil). Now, while God doesn’t listen to prayers, he does sometimes take a fancy to wishes, especially wishes that are wished when there has been a sacrifice. God, on this occasion, was willing to fudge the books a bit (blood HAD been spilled, and he really wanted to make a pasty bitch). So he was like, “Cool, man. I’ll make a white girl.” And he did.

So, when the witch asked the mirror what the hey, the mirror HAD to say, “you’re actually not the fairest anymore, because there’s a little baby who has paler skin than you.” Obviously she was pissed off. So, she went to try to kill the little baby. First, she killed the baby’s dad. Then she killed the baby’s mom. Unfortunately for her, the baby’s mom was also a witch and she was able to cast the spell of “mother’s love” and make the baby utterly invincible. So, when the witch tried to kill the baby, the spell rebounded and smacked her in the face. But, since the witch had split her soul up into seven equal parts, she wasn’t killed, just angered.

So the witch came back later, and got someone else to try to kill her. But this guy was into little girls, so he didn’t kill her. When the witch found out, she tried to kill the now woman in several creative ways, the last, and most famous, being the apple trick. She filled half of an apple with poison and the other half with cotton candy and drew a smiley face on the cotton candy side because she liked cotton candy. Then she gave the non-cotton candy side to Snow White, who ate it, cause she’s dumb, and died.

But not quite. Cause six months later, after she had lain in a conveniently glass coffin for a while, a prince came and saw her. He really liked dead girls, so he had her brought to his castle, whereupon it was discovered she wasn’t dead, only choking on apple. So, CPR was initiated. After several minutes she had a pulse. Unfortunately she had been without oxygen for six months; there was significant brain damage. She lapsed into a coma. Four weeks later, she died.

Hidden bricks! Coins! Everything you expect in a platformer!

Snow White in Happily Ever After takes place inside Snow White’s head as she slowly suffocates to death in her glass coffin. In her imagination, she throws apples at bad insects and collects more fruit. And she has many, many lives.

And she lives happily ever after.

Clue

Watching a hand roll a die has never been this...visible
Watching a hand roll a die has never been this...visible

Plum scraped brain off his sleeve. He stood, his knees shaking slightly as they propelled his tired body upwards. He turned and silently regarded the gathered crowd. They stood watching each other. “He’s dead,” said Professor Plum, cupping a hand to his mouth as he broke the tense silence. “Murdered.” Looks of shock and dismay rippled across the faces of the crowd and some of them backed away, glancing around nervously.

“Clearly,” said Plum, “the killer is still here.” A murmur. “Unfortunately, it’s impossible to tell what killed our poor dead friend Mr. Boddy – just look at him!”

The crowd regarded the crumpled heap. “It could have been anything that did that: a pipe, a revolver or a candlestick…”

“Maybe even a noose or knife!” Mrs. White called out with her completely useless and uneducated maid’s opinion.

“Yes, of course!” replied Plum. “Maybe the killer used a…a…wrench, you imbecile! A noose or a knife – don’t be ridiculous!”

“I hate the entirety of humanity and hope the world burns as a thousand suns explode,” whispered Mrs. White under her breath, deciding to call the INS on one of her coworkers.

Miss Scarlet rose from her knees and wiped her mouth as Colonel Mustard’s fingers relaxed their white-knuckled grip on a nearby end table. “It occurs to me,” she said, seductively wrapping an arm around Plum’s shoulders, “that we should probably summon those boys in blue.”

Mr. Green slid forward, running his eager hands along the edges of the corpse. “I say we empty his pockets, take his rings, pry the gold out of his teeth and sell his organs. Let’s wrap him up in this rug. Let’s take all of these rugs.”

“Sir!” screamed Colonel Mustard, drawing a revolver from his coat, “I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL TO THE DEATH!”

“Whoa fella,” said Green, throwing his hands in front of his face defensively, “I ain’t got no heater. That’s no fair.”

“I say!” Mrs. Peacock’s monocle popped off her withered and fallen face as her surprise at this boorish display caused her a series of small heart palpitations. Plum couldn’t find his glasses and they were on the top of his head!

What a zany goddamned cast of characters!

This is what the board game “Clue” would be like if you played it on the SNES. There are representations of the cards. A creepy hand rolls the die and throws it on the board. Your marker hops around, an uninspired digital copy of the game’s pieces. The computer figures out who killed Mr. Boddy before you do because you’re high and tired and not paying attention. You sit there and blink stupidly while a tiny digital curtain raises and then the murder is outlined in front of your eyes as irritating music loops in the background. Coincidentally, this is what OJ Simpson sees every night as he dreams.

I’ve had a lot of fun playing the REAL LIFE (board game) version of Clue in the past, but this video game version falls pretty short since the thing I like about Clue is the interaction with the other players. In the absence of people you can verbally torture and interrogate, the game becomes rolling dice and waiting. How can I waterboard a video game? I can’t. How do you dangle sprites out of a fifth story window over the snow-dusted hard streets below? I’m denied about half of my best Clue strategies.

The only way I can really recommend this game is if you’re a Clue fanatic that needs to play EVERY SINGLE DAY and you don’t really have any friends to play with (probably because you’re a Clue fanatic who needs to play it EVERY SINGLE DAY and does weird shit like write Clue fanfiction).

There, I killed this review in my office with the candlestick.

I typed all of this with a candlestick.