Wolverine: Adamantium Rage

A huge jacked-man.

Wolverine: Adamantium Rage features a huge jacked-man who gets turned into a small furry critter that, according to Wikipedia, mates with two to three females per lifetime in a rather monogamous fashion. Now, to human beings like ourselves, that may seem somewhat excessive, but one look at a wolverine will make you realize that that little dude is really holding himself back with his two-babe limit. Honestly, he could probably get more  ladies than a cowboy covered in mansicle powder. Like the woodland animal, the huge jacked-man becomes rather spiteful at times and is known to rather fly off the handle.

For example, the premise for this game seems to be that Wolverine is rather frustrated with his new personal computer. So frustrated, in fact, that he punches it and then punches everything else.

And that constitutes the entire back story. How great is that?

His rage is so great, that he becomes uncontrollable, as is the case with many side-scrolling, punching, kicking goofballs. To compensate for this, the developers have graciously given him a regenerating healthbar that allows him to be whacked around pretty good before he decides to stop being whacked around and just die. It begins at one hundred percent, about three to five percent being subtracted for every misstep and bullet taken by the faithful woodland creature. The one thing it can’t help you with is getting stuck in holes. I got stuck in quite a few holes. If you fall down an elevator shaft, there doesn’t appear to be any way to get the elevator to actually come down to get you. The elevators in Wolverine’s home seem to be controlled exclusively by entering them and then crouching. But no matter, I just restarted the dang game.

Despite it playing a bit fast and loose with the controls and the strangely easy enemies, this game is not so bad. I might venture to say the time it took to develop is made worthwhile by it’s theme music.

Check it out: I’m gonna rap to it.

“Wolverine

He’s a sexy commando

He punches you

He don’t give a shit like Brando

Wolverine

He’s a punching machine

He even punches doors open

See what I mean?

He’s a cute little animal

Not a hungry cannibal

Cheesed-off hero

Sayin’ ‘did you real the manual?’

No I didn’t

‘Cause I ain’t in it to win it

But I am curious as to what they put in it.

Perhaps they detailed how to jump real high

Or how to get the guy to eat a meat-pie

On the fly.

It was probably pretty minimal

Just like how they apparently put the caramel

Into the Caramilk bar

I’ve got it figured so far:

They mold the chocolate into the shape of a bar

But then they leave a space in

And then spray some yummy taste in

And close it, sell it, and let the billions roll in.

But anyway,

It’s just another friday

Wolverine on the mic: ‘I did it my way’

Well thanks, Jack, but I was gonna tell them

About that elevator shaft I fell in.”

Toys

THIS GAME ISN'T GOOD

Toys is one of the SNES games that almost made me quit playing games forever. Like many of the games I’ve had the displeasure of reviewing for EGE, it’s not egregiously bad enough to be entertaining, it just sucks in a bland, forgettable way—much like the movie that I barely remember watching, if in fact I did watch it. That I’m not certain about that says quite a bit about it.

You play as whatever Robin Williams’ character’s name was in the movie. I can’t even be bothered to look that up because of how tedious the subject matter is to me. You wander around a claustrophobic map looking like a dipshit butler while you wield entirely ineffectual weapons at the “killer toys” that have been unleashed wherever it is you’re supposed to be. Peanut cannon? Water balloons? Wow, fun. Good luck hitting anything with your “weapons.”

You can pick up “power-ups” (a term I’m using as loosely as is possible while still using a term) in the form of presents from a turnstile. A better present would be a real gun, which I would then use to shoot myself. In or out of this terrible game, I don’t care.

As far as I can tell it’s a much better strategy to idly wander around your dumb enemies than to try and engage them with any of your flaccid firepower. They don’t do a very good job seeking you out, so it’s a simple enough manner to avoid them like I’ve been avoiding writing this.

The game has music. It’s not the worst ever, but it’s certainly nothing I’d want to listen to ever again.

Uhh. What else can I say about this game? It looks shitty, it is shitty. Sorry if you worked on this game. Sorry about the choices you made in life. Here’s some proof you made bad ones.

Super Conflict – The Mideast

So before we even get started… “The Mideast”. So racist. Or… I don’t know… grammatically disrespectful.

That song about leaving on a jet plane is a lot more fun when you picture an F-18.

Super Conflict is basically Advance Wars. Have you played Advance Wars for the Game Boy Advance? It’s pretty great. It’s like 20 times better than Super Conflict. But hey, Super Conflict is certainly something. I mean, check this out:

The 30 Year Hex

Hexes! That’s how you know you’re in strategy town. Hexes are like, so strategic. It’s two more whole choices compared to squares. Fuck! Also notice how there are different terrains? Those have different defensive attributes! And also there are different units.

You’ve played this game before and you were probably ok with it.

So many numbers... I can't wait to plan some shit.

So here’s the thing about the Gulf War that this game doesn’t come close to understanding. This whole Middle-East conflict? Not even close. Like, Iraq were using decommissioned Russian tanks that might as well have been made of lego compared to the giant things the United States were rolling. Like… do you think your mom’s Volvo (I wrote vulva three times here before getting this right [full disclosure]) could take a depleted uranium shell? I sort of doubt it. Like, they could shoot things over the horizon without Iraqi forces even knowing there was something lining up a shot. But this game more or less pre-supposes that this is a fair fight. I mean, sure. That’s a far more interesting game I guess. If you just pushed the Air Dominance button and then moved your tank to the victory location that might be a pretty short game. Fun I guess?

But instead!!

Nowhere near as adorable as Advance Wars.

So anyway, it’s rock, paper, scissors combat. It’s better than I thought it would be. I won, so that helped. Check out the aplomb with which my soldier-representative holds this United Forces of Generica flag!

A winner is me!

With shoulders that broad and an ass that taught, there’s no way our non asking and telling forces won’t totally dominate this surprisingly green desert. Oh yeah fertile crescent! Euphemisms!

Pinnochio

How could Disney, with all its wisdom, fail to capitalize on such a ready-made game mechanic as nose-grappling? Pinnochio’s ability to elongate his nose whenever he tells a lie could have shaped this game into something more like Bionic Commando. That would have been cool. As it is, this game is alright. I mean, Disney Interactive does the same thing in just about every game, seemingly with the same engine: way too much animation and not enough gameplay. Pinnochio can walk the incredibly elaborate walk but when it comes to actual fun, this game misses the mark by a fair margin. That being said, it does compare favourably to most other Super Nintendo games.

At first glance the game appears to be an attempt at a non-violent side-scrounger. You are charged by that evil whore of a fairy to strike out and find enough shit so that she’ll use her wand on you and something super great will happen. You can’t hurt anyone, except by unleashing your geese. The first time I unleashed my geese, I was like, “well this game has potential.” After that, it stopped being fun. The only violence you can commit in this game is indirect; you can trick someone attempting to hurl potted plants at you to hit a ball-carrying bully. Doesn’t solve any problems, but it can be satisfying. There’s no real explanation as to why everyone seems to want to hurt Pinnochio. Probably a Frankenstein sort of situation in which everyone hates a being that “should not be” until it turns out that they are armed with a blue-eyed innocence.  People are fickle.

Take that, you abomination!

So, non-violent. Until the blueberry-scarfing wench of a fairy comes up and magics you into a stupor. At that point, a child molester gives you a reach-around and you’re smack dab in the middle of a dance contest! But before that, in the service of good story-telling, Jimminy Cricket has to defend a lamp against the never-ceasing assault of insects who, unlike him, do not wear hats. So, he smacks them about something furious, ending the games non-violent portion. Then Jim Crick decides it’s time to take a look at the moon, presumably thinking about exposing himself to wooden children.

The dance contest Pinnichio engages in is awful. It’s like that Simon toy without the coherence and with way more racism.