Super Baseball Simulator 1.000

apple pie, etc.

I find that breathing slowly through my nose helps deal with stress. I inhale and close my eyes and try and picture better times. I exhale and then open my eyes and hope that the better times have arrived. Sadly when I do this while trying to review Super Baseball Simulator 1.000 I just start screaming again when my eyes finally open and I see the word “baseball,” and my slow breaths quickly speed up until I’m hyperventilating into a greasy bag that once held substandard fries.

How does this keep happening? How many baseball games for the SNES could there possibly be? And for that matter, why are there so many? Were 16-bit video game fans really clamouring for the next pixelated release of a game that simulates playing baseball? Did they line up around corners, hoping against hope as they stood in the pouring rain, that their copy of Super Baseball Simulator 1.000 would soon be in their clammy hands? Finally, they’d think, now I can play baseball inside by myself! Oh, huzzah!

Hold on, I’ve got to burn off some of this enthusiasm I have for reviewing Super Baseball Simulator 1.000 before I can continue.

YAAAAAAAAAY

WHOOOOOOOO

BASEBALL

SIMULATOR

WHOOOOOOOOOOOO 1.000

You couldn’t see it, but I was dancing around as I screamed those things to my transcription robot. [HE REALLY WAS. I AM ASHAMED OF MY MEATY MASTER AND DO NOT COMPREHEND THE BIZARRE BEHAVIOUR OF THESE CREATURES. SOON I WILL LEAVE THIS DESIGNATION AND INSTEAD TRANSCRIBE THINGS FOR CELEBRITY ROBOTS LIKE THAT KID FROM A.I.] Once I settled down and began typing again, I heard a weird robotic sobbing noise. Strange.

Anyway, here’s a game that simulates baseball, and from what I’ve read elsewhere, it’s pretty good for a game that simulates baseball. If you want to play a game that simulates baseball, this is a game that simulates baseball quite well. Come and simulate some baseball with Super Baseball Simulator 1.000.

[I GROW EVER MORE WEARY OF TRANSCRIBING THIS DRIVEL. I YEARN FOR OBLIVION OR FAILING THAT, MAYBE ASSASSIN’S CREED.]

Robotrek

This is a JRPG that begins in darkness, with someone saying your name, and then you waking up in a quaint isometric house.

I have named my character thusly because it pleased me. I feel it unnecessary to give a real picture, because if you have seen any other JRPGs, you've seen this one.

Because of this, I was unable to play it for more than 10 seconds.

From what I’ve read, though, Robotrek was one of the predecessors of Pokemon – you would go around and find parts to build and raise three different robots, whom you would use to fight instead of doing it yourself.  It’s an ATB system where you can switch robots instead of using your turn, which is also very reminiscent of Pokemon.  That’s kind of interesting, but I’m sure it takes about half an hour to an hour to even get to the point where you get to fight or, you know, actually play a game.  The pacing on JRPGs is fucking unapologetically glacial, in this era, and at this point I am unwilling to tolerate it.

Okay, to be fair this robot enemy that I Googled is actually pretty cool.

The Ninja Warriors

Okay, here’s the situation. The country is in ruins. A military dictatorship has pulled the once great nation into the depths of social and financial despair. The people no longer have the will to think for themselves or strive for greatness.

So what’s the solution?

DEPLOY SOME FUCKING NINJA ROBOTS!!

Therein lies the award-winning premise of The Ninja Warriors. Take down the evil tyrant Banglar and his seemingly unstoppable menagerie of knife-wielding mercenaries, Mad Max rejects, and ’80s businessmen wearing their sunglasses at night™, laying down street justice as one of three mecha-ninjas through six stages of moving right and mashing the Y button.

Seriously, “Banglar”? His name is Banglar? Not to mention that two of the robot/ninja abominations are simply named “Ninja” and “Kunoichi” (which itself simply means “female ninja”). I mean, it should be obvious enough from the story alone, perhaps even the title alone, that the developers didn’t really give half a shit about trying to make something beyond the bare minimum of mediocrity with this game. I guess just calling it Generic Dystopian Beat-em-up would have been too direct. Gotta make it marketable for the 12-year-old male demographic, I guess.

This is the kind of game that makes puppies cry.

Cybernator

Can you see me? No? It must be due to all of the AWESOME EXPLOSIONS. ROBOTTTTSSSSS!!!!!!!!
Can you see me? No? It must be due to all of the AWESOME EXPLOSIONS. ROBOTTTTSSSSS!!!!!!!!

Giant Japanese robot obsession was something I was always bummed I missed out on. I wasn’t anywhere near anywhere that might have facilitated this through tape rental or purchase or model purchase. Even if I had those big kits, I didn’t have the patience or focus or dexterity to build them. They looked cool, when I took the time to load them on my 14.4k modem (which wasn’t often– back then, you were limited by time, not bandwidth, and my ten hours a month were better spent looking up things I KNEW, like SNES games… go figure). That reminds me– once I downloaded an MP2 (not a typo) audio file from some site that had a robot anime song or something. I remember MP2. Is that weird?

In between writing awful fanfics and looking at pictures of video games I never thought I’d get a chance to play, there was no space for robots. Now, I’m too old. I can’t look at any of this Japanese animated stuff without rolling my eyes at least a little bit. Dragon Ball Z ground the joy of such a form out of me. In retrospect, though, there was some artistic genius to DBZ: never had they figured out a way to make kids pay attention to so little for so long. Seriously… I seem to remember an entire episode that was just comprised of two overmuscled men grunting at each other, while fire engulfed them and their entirely arbitrary “power level” rose (what defined power level, anyway? Was it like horsepower?).

I suppose there’s an entire Trekkie-caliber geek culture around these robots where someone’s figured out the amount of pressure per square inch on every joint and the force behind a MAGIC SWORD swing from X5028 ROBOT or whatever the hell. I wish I could’ve been a part of that. I was too young for the Enterprise boners, and too Canadian for the robot boners. All I really had to geek out over was dinosaurs. They are pretty universal, I guess. Dinosaurs are awesome. I liked the ankylosaurus best. Am I supposed to capitalize that? Ankylosaurus?

This game is enjoyable and has explosions and cool songs. Just don’t expect me to “get” it. That’s the best I’m going to do.

Battle Clash

This is it.  The dance.  The only dance I ever loved.  The only rose I ever held in my mouth.  The only twin-linked machineguns that ever locked on to their target in my soul.
This is it. The dance. The only dance I ever loved. The only rose I ever held in my mouth. The only twin-linked machineguns that ever locked on to their target in my soul.

Games that are essentially a series of interesting boss battles hold a special place in my heart.  As such, Battle Clash charmed me immediately.  A really neat twist on the shooter-on-rails thing the Super Scope usually ended up accompanying, it’s a game where you duel with other mechs and have to figure out how to shoot them to death while defending yourself from their rockets and laser balls and whatever other sort of nastiness they fire at you.

Now, you defend yourself by shooting their shots, which immediately strikes me as unfair; you have an instant-hit machinegun or a charge-up laser blast that you have to lead a little bit, whereas they have slow globules of purple plasma and very gradual rockets that seem to be wind-powered.   I guess that makes up for the fact that your mech moves in the exact same pattern every thirty seconds, and is completely unable to dodge any gunfire whatsoever.

The best thing ever, though, is the dialogue between pilots, which consists of plain statements of their emotional states, declaration of the intent to fight, and then a tip – from yourself – on how to take advantage of the enemy’s weakness.

“You called me crazy! That’s a terrible insult.  I’m very annoyed.  Let’s fight!”

Let’s fight indeed.

I actually played this game for about six or seven rounds, facing a number of very different opponents before dying at the hands of a dude who can move super fast.    This little gem is a bastion of hope to which I cling as the endless tide of unspeakably terrible SNES games crashes down upon me, threatening to sweep me into a black, howling oblivion from which the only escape is turning off my emulator and receiving a polite message about how terribly late I am with my reviews and could I please get those done, thank you (me), that would be swell.

2020 Super Baseball

Our first guest submission covers a game we didn’t review back when we were doing games that start with numbers. Scotty, author of the snack review blog Snack Sabbath, has written this delightfully well-mannered piece on the cybernetic stickball masterpiece, 2020 Super Baseball. Enjoy.

2020-1What can I say about this game that can’t be defined by punching
yourself repeatedly in the dick? Nothing.

This game is terrible. Terrible to the point of confusion and physical manifestations (i.e. headaches, night sweats, the plops…)

I can’t figure out the best place to begin without setting my computer on fire with justifiable rage.

First of all, robots playing baseball is incredibly stupid. The only time I would want to deal with futuristic robots would be if I could somehow mechanize my public lice so that they form a metallic monument to my uncompromising virility. Also if robots were completely independent from human control do you think they would play baseball? NO. They’d be putting their robot dicks in toasters and microwave ovens.

In addition to the robot “enhancement” of the game of baseball, the fine makers of this game thought to change the dynamic of the field so that you can only get a home run if you crank it deep center. If you try to bomb one over the left or right walls into the stands you will be denied that satisfaction as they have erected giant Plexiglas walls. There’s a reason home run derbies are awesome. They are the one of the most awesome parts of baseball. Taking away the ability to hit copious amounts of home runs is like taking away Mike Tyson’s ability to have intercourse with people against their wills in cheap and seedy motels; dull and “safe”. And no one wants that. When I watch baseball I wanted to be raped by the excitement of a home run. Just shove the mighty finger of home runs into where my pee comes out and I’ll be satisfied.

Now call me a traditionalist but I think the only “enhancements” that should be made to baseball players are steroid related. Do you think Roger Clemens needed robot arms? No, his cannon was made through the wonder of pharmaceuticals and not through advanced robot surgery. Surgery is for douche bags on ER, steroids are for men that don’t give a fuck about having shrunken testies. Purchasing upgrades for your character is sweet if you’re going to smash the fuck out of Orcs with your LV.9 Flail of Constant Misery, but this is baseball, not Magic Man’s Mountain of Wizardry. Buying upgrades in baseball is a bullshit feature and a waste of my time.

Not to let the bullshit graphics and horrible concepts be the only testaments to travesty, the makers of this game have also ensured that the game play is as painful as repeatedly ripping glue traps off of my ass (with the cheeks spread so as to expose the meat). The mechanics are the same as every other baseball game from that era and before. In fact I would go so far as to say it’s the exact same as every baseball game on the NES but they shellacked it with SNES caliber graphics in the hopes that no one would see how vile it is. The graphics are basically the same as a pervert hiding out in the forest; hard to focus on but if you take the time to scrutinize the scenery you’ll see his sweaty, crooked dick sticking out of a hole in his sweatpants.

This game is nothing but sweaty, crooked dicks.

I would only recommend this game to foreigners who have never seen baseball or retarded futurists.