I’m gonna cop to this straight up, because this review is super late and I have nothing to lose.
I didn’t play this game. I didn’t play it because it wasn’t easy to find it, and I’ll only go so far for my art.
But, I did watch video of it on youtube. That’s probably better, actually. If you’re familiar with the site, I’m sure you’re aware that usually we don’t get too far through games anyway. Watching a video ensures I don’t get bored, angry, and just write something out of spite.
But wait a goddamn minute. This is a game where you are Robocop, and you walk around blowing up terminators. It’s incredibly gory. There are explosions and huge guns. And platforming. If you asked a kid in, like, 1994 what he wanted to see in a video game, it was this. It is a cornucopia of violence. It is the things dreams are made of.
A crossover for the ages.
Ok, that’s it though. Really. That’s really all it is. It’s maybe good. I didn’t play it, remember? But it looks like if I had played this when I was a kid I would have been all FUCK YES.
Ok, that’s all I got.
You hear that? It’s your phone… it’s me… I… I’ve got a review.
“I am both,” said RoboCop. “I am both a robot and a cop. Determining which one I’m more of is hard, since I was a cop before I was a robot, but now I don’t poop because my intestines were replaced by some blinking lights. However, if I had to choose, I’d pick cop, since cops get to shoot people in the scrotum. Did you hear about that? I shot a guy in the balls. Right through a lady’s dress. I have that kind of accuracy since I’m a robot, but I got to do it because I’m a cop. That’s why I’m picking cop.”
“RoboCop, I have to be honest with you here: that’s kind of messed up.”
“You know I was basically gunned to death, right? So I’m like a ghost. A vengeful ghost.”
“Whoa. Yeah, okay. You’re a vengeful ghost?”
“Back from beyond the grave to shoot criminals in the balls. Robot ghost cop.”
“CORRECT.” RoboGhoCop jerked suddenly to his feet. “RoboGhoCop. Back from beyond the grave to shoot criminals in the bal—I REALLY MISS MY BALLS!” cried RoboGhoCop.
“Now I understand what this is about. You’re taking your testicle longing out on the city’s criminals. RoboGhoCop, that’s not how we deal punitive justice in this city!”
“Like I said earlier, I’m less interested in justice and more interested in vengeance. I’m like the Crow, except metal. Covered in metal. Shooting criminals in the scrotum.”
“You’re really hung up on this, aren’t you? Why don’t you try to burn off some of this stress and practice jumping or something?”
“When am I ever going to have to jump?” asked RoboGhoCop. “It’s not like I can’t walk around things like boxes. I exist in three dimensions.”
“I think you’re being unfair by mocking a ubiquitous video game trope. Some jumping will be good for your legs.”
“My legs are robot legs. They can’t get any better. Perhaps I will go and get some ammunition from the armory.”
“What? Look at how many bullets you’re carrying. Why would you possibly need any more?”
“I might do a lot of scro—shooting. A lot of shooting. Also these bullets aren’t very effective. It takes many of them to put a criminal down.”
“RoboGhoCop, have you ever worked in the trauma unit of a hospital?”
“Something tells me that the people who work in the hospital aren’t super-keen on sewing up some guy’s brand new fake balls all the time. You know that these criminals are going in for long and painful surgery after you shoot them in the crotch, right? Literally hundreds of hours have been spent patching these poor bastards up. You’re costing us a fortune here, RoboGhoCop!”
“Very well,” said the vengeful metallic ghost police officer, “I’m not playing this game any more. It’s slightly difficult. I’m leaving.”
RoboGhoCop turned around and exited the EMPTY ROOM.