We’ve been gone a very long time on this website. Did I learn anything about reviewing SNES games? No. I didn’t learn anything at all, let alone learn anything about reviewing SNES games. If I’m being totally honest, I may as well have suddenly jolted awake from a coma to write this article. Aside from a passing knowledge of pop culture, it would be exactly the same thing. I’m the reason humanity will ultimately fade into dust, forgotten among the stars like it deserves.
Anyway, Star Trek the Next Generation doesn’t seem great on the surface. The interface is clunky at best but at least the idea of some ensign spinning in a cool circle to interact with the other Star Fleeters is pretty funny.
PICARD: What is the new boy doing, number one? The new boy, the boy over there.
RIKER: I believe he’s working, captain.
PICARD: Why is he a spinny boy, Riker? Do I call you Riker? That’s your name so that’s probably a thing that I do on this ship. Or do I just call you “number one” all the time like a toddler that needs to pee?
RIKER: …it’s just how he moves, captain.
PICARD: He’s making me dizzy. Spinny boy is making me dizzy. Were his parents a dreidel and a merry-go-round?
RIKER: Is that a racist thing to say? That feels like it could be racist. Maybe it’s your shaved head, captain.
PICARD: Wait, listen: ♫ spinny boy, spinning across the stars, spinny spin boy. Little spin boy going for a star spin ♫.
RIKER: Sir you may be having some kind of seizure.
Let’s cover some of the regular review bases here!
GRAPHICS: I give this game “yes it has graphics” out of “does this game have graphics?” I can identify the people and the planets and the space controls. Everything is very thorough in that regard. Not once did I mistake a Klingon for a desk.
MUSIC: It’s Star Trek! A lot! Over and over! Thanks, old games!
CONTROLS: Spin spin spin spin read read read read spin spin spin spin
FUN FACTOR: There’s probably some fun in here? Maybe if you progress far enough in this game there’s a compelling story that will whisk you away to space adventures with your favourite characters who are undoubtedly more important than you in the grand scheme of things. Me, I’d rather play a game where I don’t have to remember the name of a planet that’s almost the same as 20 other planets. Why can’t the computer take me where I need to go? That’s what computers are good for: transporting us to other worlds where I don’t have to think.