Road Riot 4WD

I think this is a racing game. I’m not quite sure. I mean, it looks kind of like a racing game, but it’s really more of a slideshow featuring a handful of cars in various states of either flipping over or crashing into boulders and semi trucks lying sprawled across the middle of the road. Most developers, when faced with poor frame rates, would probably either attack the problem by finding some way to optimize the performance to an adequate state, make the cars simply move slower, or just say “fuck it”, ship the game as-is, and silently look for new jobs that don’t involve making console ports of absurd arcade games targeted to white-trash meth addicts tucked away in trailer parks scattered about the midwest and southern U.S.

In this case, we seem to have an example of the third option. If I wasn’t sober, I’d probably be hunched over the toilet waiting for my head to stop spinning after trying to focus on three laps of random truck parts and fake 3D effects chugging along at five frames per second. If I wasn’t sober, I’d probably also be slumped on my couch in my pajamas, cursing at infomercials until 5 AM. If I wasn’t sober, I’d probably be trying to start a fight with my neighbor’s cat, again in my pajamas. Possibly my neighbor’s pajamas. Maybe even your pajamas.

Now, don’t forget that you can’t make a redneck truck racing game without putting in mildly, if not moderately, offensive racial stereotypes. It’s actually a scientifically proven fact that America’s heartland requires a modest helping of racism, gun shows, NASCAR, Old Style beer, and corn on a regular basis in order to stay healthy, content, and maintain a shiny coat.

All negative points aside, this game does show some semblance of an entertaining take on the racing genre. It’s extremely forgiving, if not encouraging, of rolling your car off the road or even crashing into a nearby spectator or school bus. You can even play against a friend, assuming both of you prepare yourselves with the proper dose of Dramamine. Unfortunately, such promise doesn’t make up for the horrible visuals, poor performance, repetitive tracks, and lousy controls.

Now here’s corn.