Power Ranger Zeo: Battle Racers


I’m not sure it could be any more blatant. PRZ:BR came out in 1996. Your favorite SNES (<oldmeme>sorry Power Rangers I’mma let you finish but…</oldmeme>) game of all time Super Mario Kart came out in 1992. They are the same game, only 4 years later the game is more ugly, has less variety, and is mildly retarded. I mean, ok, it’s not surprising that Power Rangers had a kart racing game. Everyone has a kart racing game. I have one. It’s just me and it’s really a mountain bike and also it’s real life. But if I drink enough it looks like mode seven.

Just look at this!

I'm not sure they could have tried less.

You can hop, powerslide, shoot a thing, hit a zip-pad… I would actually feel better if they put turtle shells in here because I guess it would feel a little more like something I could appreciate. Instead you can actually hear my eyes rolling. Do you know how gross of a sound that is? It’s like… slluurrrrmmmasssshh or something… anyway, you don’t want to hear it.

And unlike that other Power Rangers game I reviewed, the Zeo franchise came well after I was a sucker for the Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour marketing machine. There isn’t nostalgia here for anything other than the game they’re failing to properly steal from.

And thus:

Here's your shiny penis trophy, Starface.

IN CONCLUSION: Do not play, or at least play with the music up so you can’t hear your own eyeballs rolling around because that’s super gross. Just go play Mario Kart for better memories, better gameplay, less garbage, and less FEELING BAD ABOUT YOURSELF FOR PLAYING A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD POWER RANGERS KART GAME WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE.