Nobunaga’s Ambition – Lord of Darkness

On this, the most Christmassy of Eves, as you gather close to your loved ones like a team of northern explorers who forgot to pack long johns, as Saint Nic begins his annual drunken tear around the globe, as the Queen of England prepares to sound like everyone’s mum tomorrow, as one sad man stands under the mistletoe, alone, in his apartment, weeping, hand down his pants, drinking malt liqueur ’cause that’s all he has left, I offer you a review of Nobunaga’s Ambition – Lord of Darkness. It is my gift to you. You. I know you didn’t get me anything and I know you didn’t ask for a strategy game about a Japanese warlord, but I fucked your mom last night and she made me promise to give you something. I was thinking of giving you a thing of bubble bath, but then I realized that you don’t have a bath, so now I’m giving you this. Enjoy.

First, let me tell you that, whatever I was expecting from the name of this game, my expectations were horribly shattered. The name is comedic gold. I was thinking it would be a side-scroller about a really ambitious man named Nobunaga. That’s an excellent concept for a game! The main game mechanic would be an ambition meter that, when low, would prevent any sort of corporate ladder climbing or general getting-things-done-ness.

As it turns out, the game is pretty much a super complicated version of Civilization. Look at this management screen:

I need more GOLD!
I need more GOLD!

This is about the point I realized I was in way over my head. I can’t handle this kind of game. It may be good and all, but any game that allows me to DVLP my FIELDS makes me want to STB my CHEST. From what I understand about the strategy genre and people who enjoy thinking while they stare at a screen, this could be a damn good game. There seems to be a lot of depth there. Whether or not you care about Nobunaga is another story entirely. I know I don’t. I went to Wikipedia to look him up, found his page, and was like, “whatever.” Turns out he was a real dude. That’s good enough for me.