NCAA Basketball

The 'A' is for ACTION. The other 'A' is for ABSENCE OF.
Mode 7 Things I Hate About You

FANTASTIC! ANOTHER BASKETBALL GAME! Man, it’s like Christmas came early this year and I got every single thing I wanted, assuming I wanted to get dizzy watching pixelated dudes throw a poorly-rendered basketball at one another while the screen rotated like I was spinning in a circle. If this game was what real basketball was like, the court floor would be covered with my vomit; I’d try to eat entertaining foods to make this as pleasant as possible for everyone involved. Hey look! Whole Gummi Bears! Bouncing here and there and everywhere! The contents-of-my-stomach-covered adventures beyond compare!

Great, now I’m hungry.

So apparently NCAA stands for National College Athletic Association, which I technically did not know but certainly could have guessed if I’d bothered. That means that I’m not even poorly controlling real basketball players* but merely their yet to evolve incarnations—I’m controlling them in their formative years, and their formative years are leading them to be stumbling, ball-losing motards. I’m sorry dudes, but your scholarships are on the line, and so now you will have to learn a trade. From what I’ve seen welding looks really amazing. Heat! Sparks! Sweet masks! It’s like being a really warm knight.

At some point I need to talk about the game, and this is that point: I never really felt as if I was in control of the players. I was aware that I was moving people around and maybe influencing their actions, but it was influence in the same fashion that Bill O’Reilly is influencing my opinions on anything. Like, I’m aware of what he’s saying, and I recognize them as words in my language, but they make so little sense I have trouble putting them into any meaningful context. My basketball players treat me like a drunk Bill O’Reilly, screaming at them from the sidelines about how I didn’t sort of maybe ok kinda implied they should shoot an “abortion doctor” (or some hoops).

This game makes full use of that POWERFUL TEXTURE MAPPING JUGGERNAUT known as Mode 7; I’ve never liked Mode 7, not even a little. I think it looks like crap now, just like I thought it looked like crap back when I was a kid, and will likely think it looks like crap in the exciting future of SNES games. I’ve no doubt it’s a technical achievement of some sort, I just don’t care. Personally, I’d prefer some nicely rendered static backgrounds; this is my personal opinion, but don’t let that stop you from telling me I’m wrong, since the person who first said “opinions can’t be wrong because they’re opinions” was a complete moron.

I’m the wrong person to review sports games. You probably like this game and think it’s a lot of fun—I don’t. I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you by reviewing a game I enjoy as if I hate it, and then we’ll be even and you can stop sending me death threats that you never bother carrying through since you’re too busy playing Madden or NHL 8K7B/6.

*Dear college basketball players, I totally respect you or whatever so please don’t beat me up for denigrating your game, lives, and general intelligence.