Maui Mallard in Cold Shadow

Presumably he is looking at his map to figure out where the treasure is, even though there are just piles of gold and gems everywhere.  Some of them are floating in midair, even.  And who's guarding them?  Spiders.  Not even giant spiders, just fairly big ones.
Presumably he is looking at his map to figure out where the treasure is, even though there are just piles of gold and gems everywhere. Some of them are floating in midair, even. And who's guarding them? Spiders. Not even giant spiders, just fairly big ones.

Oh look.  It is a Disney platformer with an anthropomorphic cartoon animal protagonist.

Look at my face.  Look how surprised I am.

This game nearly made me motion sick, which is something no other game has ever managed – not Portal, not Serious Sam, not Burnout, nothing.  It just ended up hurting my eyes, though, because every time your character turns, the camera rockets in the direction you’re looking.  It’s painful.

I briefly worked at Toys R Us during the Christmas season, one year, in the electronics department.  I sold video games to people.  It was a dark time, although slightly less dark than the previous year where I had worked at a call center doing telephone surveys, which made me consider killing myself.

Based on the purchases parents tend to make, I can assure that this game sold fairly well, and that is a sad, sad thing. But there is a lesson to be learned there.  Can you imagine that child, the one who only gets one or two games for his console (which is fair, given the ridiculous price of cartridges at the time) and who must treasure each one, digging deep into every level to squeeze out every drop of fun?  This is why they put secrets in these games, maybe – so that children could find something new after putting the cartridge in the console for the eight thousandth time.  Consider that child, and consider the glut of games available to us on multiple consoles, the ease of online purchasing and, yes, piracy; consider the number of surprisingly good free downloadable games.  That kid probably fucking loved Maui Mallard.  I know that I, for one, play many really decent games and can’t really be bothered to deeply appreciate them because there are so many other titles to distract my attention.  Having too many games might actually make us enjoy each of them less.

None of that means you should ever bother to play this game, though.  It’ s not very good.